oooooo scary!

 Here is a list of things that have zero threat to my life but still scare the snot out of me anyway.  Some of them are funny (imagine that), some of them are insane (imagine that), and some of them are just stupid (imagine that).  Side note:  These are fears that make absolutely ZERO sense.  This list doesn't include actual things that could endanger my life...just the things that are ridiculous. 

This is me.  Except I'm a girl.  And I'm not bald.  And I'd never wear glasses like that. 

1.  Cold, dirty dishwater.  I will not under any circumstances stick my hand in dirty dishwater.  No way.  No how.  I won't do it with gloves on, I won't do it in a water proof  wet suit, I won't do it.  Back in the days when I lived by myself some monster broke into my house and left cold dirty dishwater in the sink ( that monster was not me...at least I hope not).  I went to the store BOUGHT a pair of grill tongs..you know the really long kind and un plugged the stopper with the tongs.  All of that nonsense just to avoid sticking my hand in the cold dirty dish water. 

2.  It's late.  I'm hungry.  Everyone is asleep.  The nearest food supply is the kitchen.  I can either die of starvation or raid the fridge for left overs.  I choose the leftovers.  I go to the kitchen, find food and head back to bed.  Here is where the problem begins.  I have to turn the light off in the kitchen...I'm just trying to do my part in saving the planet.  Turning the light off in the kitchen means that darkness is now in back of me as I'm walking back to bed.  THAT means that an ugly, terrible, 4 eyed monster will jump out of the darkness and eat me.  But before he eats me he will torture me until I beg to die.  So now I begin the tricky process of pressing my back as close to the hall wall as possible and try and walk sideways toward my bedroom while still paying very close attention to the dark evil that looms behind me.  I'm happy to say the monster hasn't killed me yet...but I sense a nighttime snack session in my future so keep me in your prayers.

3.  Teeth.  Loose teeth make me wanna yack.  I don't want to see them wiggle, I don't want to see you move them, I don't want to be within 7000 yards of a child losing a tooth.  Dirty diapers?  Sure! I'll change them!  Throw up?  I actually assisted a complete stranger in Chili's last night clean up HER child's vomit.  Didn't bother me in the slightest.  Pee?  Yep, I can handle it.  Blood?  Nope not a problem.  Loose teeth?  You can find me on the floor passed out.  I. Can't. Handle. It.  My great grandmother has false teeth and they would randomly fall out during conversations.
Granny:  Well, hey there sweet little Becky!
Me:  hey granny!
Granny:  How have you been hunny? (teeth fall out) I've missed you!
Me: (I don't respond because I'm  passed out on the floor choking on my vomit.)
Granny:  Hmmm the same thing happened the last time I saw her.

4.  The supernatural.  I am not about to get into whether ghost exist or any of that stuff.  My opinion is like a butt hole, and we all know what butts smell like.  It is my PERSONAL belief that they don't exist.  Now, you'd think that would be enough to keep me from being afraid of ever seeing one.  But I'm a weirdo.  If the curtains blow in the wind I almost pee myself and hide so far under the covers that Jesus wouldn't be able to find me when the trumpet blows.  If a branch casts an odd looking shadow...YEP!  Under the covers I go.  If I hear a noise that doesn't quite sit well wanna guess where you can find me?  Yep, you guessed it!  Under the covers.  Angels scare me too.  How weired is that?  Here is a prayer I ALWAYS used to pray when I was little (and by little I mean from the ages of 5 until 23).
"Dear God,
     Please don't let me see any angels and if you do PUH-LEASE help me not be afraid of them.
Amen.
p.s.  pretty pretty pretty please.
p.s.s.  I'll never sin again and be a missionary in Mongolia
Amen."

My fear of angels kept me from being Mary (as in Jesus' mom).  Well that and a few thousand other reasons.  Because if an angel would have appeared to me I would have died of a heart attack...underneath my covers.

5.  Scary movies.  Scary movie previews.  Scary movie commercials.  HATE them.  I close my eyes so tight the jaws of life couldn't pry them open, dig my fingers in my ears and begin to sing "Jesus, loves me" at the highest possible volume my voice will go.  Often I curl up in the fetal position...that just depends on how flexible I'm feeling.  Since watching a scary movie is something I refuse to do my biggest threats are the previews and commercials.  I'm pretty good at detecting them before they scare the snot out of me.  It's a skill.  However if one does pop up without me realizing it you can bet money that a week long episode of nightmares will ensue. 

That's the top 5.  I'm a loon.  A complete and utter loon.  Please don't have me committed.  My children need me...I cook for them.