Kick the Bucket List

It's a going trend these days to make a list of things you WANT to do before you die.  I have a bucket list...it changes often.  It swings from one thing to another a lot like my moods ;) 

The following list is NOT a bucket list.  Let me say this one more time the following list is NOT a bucket list.  This list is compiled of things that would cause me to kick the bucket.  I don't ever ever anticipate willingly agreeing to doing any of these things and if I do I'll probably want to kick the bucket. 

So, I'm going against the grain and sharing with you my....

Kick the Bucket List!

-Have an Empty Nest
The Bill Cosby show was a regular source of entertainment and laughter when I was growing up, and I still catch it from time to time on various channels.  One thing that underlined every episode was Cosby's excitement at the aspect of not having kids in the house anymore.  As it turns out I don't think there was ever a time when Cosby's dream comes true because there was ALWAYS kids in the home and a lot of the time they weren't his biological children! 
Let me tell you straight up I always want kids in my home!  Now, that doesn't mean I want Ethan to still live at home when he's 35 years old mooching on my couch and staying in his pajamas all day playing his x-box.  I want our children to grow up, follow the path God leads them to and live in accordance to HIS will for THEIR lives.  Take note!  I did not say societies will, or my will, but God's will.  Insert personal opinion:  I think parents need to embrace the importance of God's will vs.  the "normal" dreams and aspirations society has created.  I'll jump off my soapbox now and get back to the point. 
I always want children in our home as long as we are able to provide and take care of their needs.  I love the joy and hard work that children bring.  The thought of a home that isn't filled with children doesn't appeal to me at all!  PLUS the more children I take care of increases the likely hood that at least one of them will take care of me instead of putting me in a nursing home. 

-An African Safari
Visiting AFRICA is on my bucket list.  I would like to stay in the city where there's an orphanage. So, I can....
a.  Say I've been to Africa
b.  Adopt 500 beautiful African babies

But being IN the JUNGLE with lions, cheetahs, and flesh eating carnivores is not something that makes my heart go pitter pat.  I have a great deal of respect for flesh eating carnivorous wildlife but my respect is best at a distance.  I'll tune into National Geographic occasionally or the Animal Planet.  That's it.  No more for me.  The zoo freaks me out....the jungles of Africa would send me over the edge.  While we are on the topic of flesh eating creatures I also have zero interest in swimming with sharks.  Why?  Because I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

-Tornado Chasing
This is actually on Allen's bucket list.  He has always told me he would love to chase a tornado at least once in his life.  My thoughts are if I chase a tornado it would end my life.  There are places that have alarms that go off alerting millions of people that a tornado is coming, we have TVs that flash tornado WARNINGS and watches.  I translate that to mean we are to stay away from them at all costs.  Evacuate!  Leave the premises!  Relocate to the mountains!  Stop, drop, and roll!  But for the love of pete DON'T go close to them ON PURPOSE!  Insanity.  Allen will be making that trip to Kansas alone.  I have no intentions of being the next Dorothy, and I have no desire to visit Oz. 

-Be a ghost hunter
I'm perfectly fine being a ghost hider.  I don't want to hunt one, see one, believe they exist, talk about them, think about them, acknowledge them, nothing.  Just typing this gives me the heebie jeebies.  I don't want to hunt ghosts.  Ever.

-Jump out of a plane
I'm large (and in charge! bahahahaha).  I don't trust a parachute to keep me from descending rapidly into the ground where I would break every bone in my body.  Big girls fall hard.  And despite all the padding we don't bounce.

Yardsales

I have no idea why in the world I truly enjoy plundering through other peoples crap.  It makes no sense.  If I like junk so much why don't I just stay home and go through the garage because it's piled high with junk. 

The old saying is true "One persons junk is another persons treasure"...I think the old saying should say "One persons junk is another persons treasure until it becomes their junk and then it clutters up their home and they have to go on the show about weirdo hoarders".  That's just my opinion.



Since I'm one of the odd people who enjoy yard sales I thought I'd compile a list of do's and don'ts for those who have yard sales and also for those who shop yard sales.

Rules according to Becky.
Let's all try and abide by them OK?

For those HOSTING or HAVING a yard sale-

-The goal of a yard sale is to GET RID OF THE THINGS YOU DON'T WANT ANYMORE. 
Keep your eyes set on that goal.  If your items are priced on the cheap side people will buy more of it...which in turn makes YOU more money. 

The goal of your yard sale isn't to make a million dollars.  Sorry, it just doesn't work that way.
If you have books that cost 3.99 at Dollar General about a trashy love story that you purchased in 1987 chances are you will not be able to sell them for 5 bucks a book.  True story folks.





-People are going to walk away without purchasing anything from you.  It's not the end of the world, don't give them dirty looks as they walk away empty handed from your junk pile.  If you are selling it, chances are you don't have a need for it anymore...don't get ticked cause Joe and Suzie don't have a need for it either. 

-If your yard sale looks like a hot mess from the road...sales are going to go down.  Make it look nice, put the good stuff where folks driving by can see it. 

-Please hear me when I say this.  YOU ARE TRYING TO GET RID OF STUFF!  Price accordingly.  Please.

Now....

For those ATTENDING yard sales

-If you are getting 200 dollars worth of stuff for 6 bucks don't you dare offer them a lower price.  Just pay the stinkin 6 bucks.  If having to pay a dollar extra is gonna break your bank then you need to go home and start a budget and read some Dave Ramsey.

-If what you are buying is going to wind up in your yard sale in a few weeks because you really don't need it that bad....walk away. 

-This isn't a car lot.  And you're not a car salesman.  It's OK to pay sticker price IF sticker price isn't 5 dollars for a trashy dollar general store 1985 novel.

-Judge a yard sale by it's appearance.  It's OK to look from the road acknowledge it's a junk pit and keep driving. 

I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Ice Cream Drama

Ice Cream Drama.

Out of all the drama one can face I suppose ice cream drama is the best way to go.

I have homemade peach ice cream memories as a child that would rock your taste buds off. 

So I set out to make homemade ice cream.  Sounds easy right?

Nope.  Not Easy.

I scoured the internet for the perfect ice cream maker.  Of course the perfect ice cream maker would need to make the homemade process EASY, and it would need to be red.  My kitchen is red.  I don’t plan on making waves in my red kitchen.

OOOOO and I didn’t want to spend an arm and a leg on my ice cream machine because I get in cycles.  I loose interest in things very easily.  Ask the bread machine, the smoothie maker, my magic bullet, and the various other kitchen gadgets I had to have and then quickly lost interest in. 

Amazon.  I love amazon.  I buy lots and lots from amazon.  My husband would be happy if amazon banned me.  But that would make amazon sad...and poor. 

Anyway, I found quite a few ice cream makers that I loved.  Like the million dollar cuisine art one that the pioneer woman uses. Or the old timey fashion kind that I remember from my childhood.  I knew I did NOT want one that I had to churn by hand…that’s a whole lot of stupid. 

I found this pretty little pink precious ice cream maker.  It wasn’t a very expensive and it was PINK!  Um hello…how can anything pink be bad?  It isn’t red…but pink is totally awesome.  So I purchased this pink precious little thing. 

It took 3 weeks to arrive.  Three solid weeks.  Three weeks is a long time to wait on ice cream… at least the homemade kind.  Three stinking weeks.  Did I mention it took three weeks to arrive?   Well it did, and I was very bitter about it. 

When it finally came I ripped it out of the box and it was so pretty…and soooooooo not what I expected.  It came with 2 bowls that you put in the freezer for EIGHT hours.  That’s right EIGHT stinking hours. 

This is where it comes in handy to READ THE REVIEWS before you purchase something.  The pretty little pink ice cream maker only makes 2 small bowls of SOFT SERVE ice cream.  AND it doesn’t work.  It makes syrup like nonsense.  I have done everything imaginable to make it work.  It doesn’t.  It’s pretty and pink.  But it doesn’t make ice cream.  Stupid, stupid stupid. 

So now, I tuck my pink tail between my legs and go down to food city and buy an ugly old timey Rival brand ice cream maker.  It’s ugly.  It’s blue.  The box wasn’t fancy.  I had serious concerns…I still wanted the stainless steel cuisine art one that PW uses.  Against my better judgement I finally got an ugly blue old fashion looking ice cream maker…that doesn’t require me to crank it.  The only perk might I add. 

Guess what!?

The ice cream it made was heavenly.   Worked like a charm on the first try! 

So maybe my ugly blue rival ice cream maker isn’t so bad after all.  But it’s still ugly.

I winged it when it came to the recipe I used…so if you have an ice cream maker I’d seriously make this kind!  I created it and it is GOOOOOOD. 

Cookie Dough Homemade Ice Cream!

2 cups of half and half

2 cups of heavy cream

1 tblspoon of vanilla extract

3 cups of cookie dough

Moral of the story?  Don't judge an ice cream maker by the box...or color.

Sleep...the lack thereof

The title of this blog makes me chuckle. 

"sleep...the lack thereof"

Who even says "therof" anymore? 

Doctor?
Lawyers?
Smart people?
Anyone? 

Well I still say it.  Well, I don't actually say it I just type it. 

Thereof
Thereof
Thereof

I feel smart. 

This blog isn't about the word "thereof" I accidently lost track of my point.  It happens often.  Deal with it.

Anyway, I've got to get my act together.  Let me tell you why.

Since the arrival of baby sleep has been non exsistant. 
At least it was non exsistant up until a few weeks ago.
Now, baby is sleeping through the night and if he doesn't he is still waking up MUCH less then what it used to be.  Man-o-man that has been awesome.  The first night he slept all the way through (from 11-7) I stayed awake all night worried to death because he hadn't beckoned me via screaming and crying.  If I checked to make sure he was OK once I did it two thousand times.  It's a mom thing.

During the first month baby would wake up just about every 1 to 2 hours.  He wasn't exactly pleasant and loving about it either and to top it off it would take him FOREVER to go back to sleep.  I can't blame him I'm not very pleasant or proned to sweet dreams when I'm hungry and my belly hurts. 

The ONLY good thing about the lack of his sleeping was the fact that it gave me a pass on almost everything.  Here are some examples:

-Sorry I haven't cooked dinner....I'M NOT GETTING ANY SLEEP!

-I haven't showered in 5 days....GIVE ME A BREAK I'M UP WITH THE BABY ALL NIGHT!

-Sorry I just fell in the floor and had a 2 year old temper tantrum....I'M SLEEP DEPRIVED!

-Sorry I've not done laundry, or dishes, or vacuumed, or dusted, or anytype of domestic activity....I'M FREAKING SLEEPY!

-No, I haven't brushed my hair in 2 weeks....GIVE ME A BREAK I HAVEN'T HAD ANY SLEEP!

-Yes, I do plan on watching soap opera's and eating junk food on the couch all day long....YOU WOULD TO IF YOU HADN'T HAD ANY SLEEP!

I could go on and on and on and on.  I wish I was embelishing the truth here...but I'm sooooo not.

I need a new excuse.  That would be so much easier then returning to the world of chores, and improved personal hygeiene.

Well, I gotta go wake up baby so I can use that as an excuse to continue my bad behavior :)

Ha! 

NOW! I get it.

Here are some phrases my grandmother use to tell me that made absolutely NO SENSE at the time, but now that I've aged a bit make a lot more sense and I even MIGHT say them too...occasionally.

-Make sure you have on clean underwear in case you get in a wreck!!!! 
   
-Remember who you are and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

-Please don't embarrass me.

-You don't have to pour on your perfume.  A little dab-will-do-ya.

-I dare you to pitch a fit, cause I ain't afraid to wear your butt out in public.

-Just because we have pasta and mayonnaise does NOT mean we have things to make pasta salad.

-Now that you've started shaving your legs, you must continue to shave your legs.  It's not a one time thing sweetheart.

-want in one hand, spit in the other, and see which one gets full first.

-you've got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook

-Don't speak something today, you're gonna have to rebuke tomorrow.

ahhhh ya gotta love good ole common sense...or so I'm told.  I'm lacking in that department.

Kitty

Over a month ago I was going about my daily routine. 
-Laundry
-Dishes
-Laundry
-Dishes
-Laundry
-Laundry
-Laundry
-Laundry

Yes.  Laundry is bountiful here. 

Anyway, I was going about my daily routine when a sudden onset of "If I don't get my hands on a baby soon, I'm a going to shrivel up and die".  It comes without warning.  It is un-explainable. 

During this episode it dawned on me. 

-Puppies are small adorable little creatures!  A puppy will get me through this episode just fine. 

Then something else dawned on me.

-Puppies require non stop supervision and training, and grow up to be dogs.

Just like that my dreams of having a sweet little puppy to hold in my arms were squashed.  Oh! AND Allen said "we're not getting a puppy".  That was a dream smasher too. 

NOW, I'm in quite the predicament.  Not only am I suffering a pretty instense episode of baby fever, I now have a set of the "but I want a puppy!" fever too.  Lord have mercy on my soul. 

Then another possibility dawned on me.

-a kitten!

Yep, a kitten.  That would be perfect!  Small, furry, loveable, sweet, kind, compassionate, amazing, wonderful, baby....opps I meant KITTY!

At this point in the game Allen will do anything to get my "fever" under control so he casually says "yeah whatever".  Which (in my opinion) is male language for "Sure sweetheart!  Anything I can do to make your life better!  Because I love you"

So, I found a sweet LOOKING kitty. 

Since then life hasn't been the same. 
-She bites
-She scratches
-She hides behind furniture and attacks you when you walk by
-She hisses
-She doesn't let me wrap her up in a baby blanket and rock her to sleep
-She never sleeps
-She doesn't let me wrap her up in a baby blanket and rock her while I try and give her a bottle
-She doesn't let me hold her at all
-She doesn't look like a baby

I understand NOW that one should never get an animal when going through baby fever.  Because despite what you tell yourself  a kitty isn't a baby.  I know, I know I'm insane.  We discovered that a long time ago. 

There are some perks to life with a kitty. 
-She is a constant source of excersize for my obese dog
-She occasionally will let me pet her
-Ethan finds her comical
-That's it

Lesson learned.  Anyone want a kitty?

p.s.  We really do love her.  Really we do.

p.p.s "we" means Ethan

Facebook: The DON'TS

-DON'T Be anonymous
Example:  I hate you!  Your out of my life forever!  You are a snake!
If you have the guts to say all that nonsense then have the guts to name names.  I'd prefer you not participate in any of the trash talk but we can't always get what we want.

-Facebook often reminds me of people when they drink.  Your status update is not the Internets version of "liquid courage".  Speakin of drinking...don't drink and facebook. 

-PDA.  Keep it between the sheets folks.  I'm all about an "I love you" "your awesome" "My husband rocks" but let's keep it PG.  I don't need a lesson in sex ed when hearing about your love life. 

-There is one place for dirty laundry and that is in the washing machine.  We all got issues.  You got em', I got em...I got lots of em.  I may not like certain people and I may not agree with certain issues but COME ON!!!!!  Pick up the phone, call a meeting, go to dinner, take boxing lessons, suck it up, shut it up.  It is beyond tacky to use social media as your war tactic.  If someone needs defending I hate to break it to you but facebook isn't going to convince me of their innocence.  If someone is a horrible person AGAIN I'm not taking my ques and basing my opinions on your status update or your page chatter. 

-Do not engage.  If someone starts it, it isn't your job to finish it.  The truth always comes out, and I'm not going to be scanning FB status updates to find it. 

-Do not get your feelings hurt when your language gets you deleted from my friends list.  You want to talk like a sailor go right on.  I ain't readin it. 

-When you are angry or hurt.  STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD. 

-You have one and only one opportunity to act like a teenager.  That is WHEN YOU ARE a teenager.  Just sayin.

Can we all agree to abide by these please?  I'd so appreciate it ;)

This blog is meant to be COMICAL.  If I have hurt your feelings in anyway or stepped on your toes feel free to CALL ME, don't blast it in a facebook status. 

FYI:  I've never been blasted in a facebook status...I'd cry.  A lot.  Then I'd call my Daddy...and then my Daddy would make it all better.  Without the help of facebook. 

oooooo scary!

 Here is a list of things that have zero threat to my life but still scare the snot out of me anyway.  Some of them are funny (imagine that), some of them are insane (imagine that), and some of them are just stupid (imagine that).  Side note:  These are fears that make absolutely ZERO sense.  This list doesn't include actual things that could endanger my life...just the things that are ridiculous. 

This is me.  Except I'm a girl.  And I'm not bald.  And I'd never wear glasses like that. 

1.  Cold, dirty dishwater.  I will not under any circumstances stick my hand in dirty dishwater.  No way.  No how.  I won't do it with gloves on, I won't do it in a water proof  wet suit, I won't do it.  Back in the days when I lived by myself some monster broke into my house and left cold dirty dishwater in the sink ( that monster was not me...at least I hope not).  I went to the store BOUGHT a pair of grill tongs..you know the really long kind and un plugged the stopper with the tongs.  All of that nonsense just to avoid sticking my hand in the cold dirty dish water. 

2.  It's late.  I'm hungry.  Everyone is asleep.  The nearest food supply is the kitchen.  I can either die of starvation or raid the fridge for left overs.  I choose the leftovers.  I go to the kitchen, find food and head back to bed.  Here is where the problem begins.  I have to turn the light off in the kitchen...I'm just trying to do my part in saving the planet.  Turning the light off in the kitchen means that darkness is now in back of me as I'm walking back to bed.  THAT means that an ugly, terrible, 4 eyed monster will jump out of the darkness and eat me.  But before he eats me he will torture me until I beg to die.  So now I begin the tricky process of pressing my back as close to the hall wall as possible and try and walk sideways toward my bedroom while still paying very close attention to the dark evil that looms behind me.  I'm happy to say the monster hasn't killed me yet...but I sense a nighttime snack session in my future so keep me in your prayers.

3.  Teeth.  Loose teeth make me wanna yack.  I don't want to see them wiggle, I don't want to see you move them, I don't want to be within 7000 yards of a child losing a tooth.  Dirty diapers?  Sure! I'll change them!  Throw up?  I actually assisted a complete stranger in Chili's last night clean up HER child's vomit.  Didn't bother me in the slightest.  Pee?  Yep, I can handle it.  Blood?  Nope not a problem.  Loose teeth?  You can find me on the floor passed out.  I. Can't. Handle. It.  My great grandmother has false teeth and they would randomly fall out during conversations.
Granny:  Well, hey there sweet little Becky!
Me:  hey granny!
Granny:  How have you been hunny? (teeth fall out) I've missed you!
Me: (I don't respond because I'm  passed out on the floor choking on my vomit.)
Granny:  Hmmm the same thing happened the last time I saw her.

4.  The supernatural.  I am not about to get into whether ghost exist or any of that stuff.  My opinion is like a butt hole, and we all know what butts smell like.  It is my PERSONAL belief that they don't exist.  Now, you'd think that would be enough to keep me from being afraid of ever seeing one.  But I'm a weirdo.  If the curtains blow in the wind I almost pee myself and hide so far under the covers that Jesus wouldn't be able to find me when the trumpet blows.  If a branch casts an odd looking shadow...YEP!  Under the covers I go.  If I hear a noise that doesn't quite sit well wanna guess where you can find me?  Yep, you guessed it!  Under the covers.  Angels scare me too.  How weired is that?  Here is a prayer I ALWAYS used to pray when I was little (and by little I mean from the ages of 5 until 23).
"Dear God,
     Please don't let me see any angels and if you do PUH-LEASE help me not be afraid of them.
Amen.
p.s.  pretty pretty pretty please.
p.s.s.  I'll never sin again and be a missionary in Mongolia
Amen."

My fear of angels kept me from being Mary (as in Jesus' mom).  Well that and a few thousand other reasons.  Because if an angel would have appeared to me I would have died of a heart attack...underneath my covers.

5.  Scary movies.  Scary movie previews.  Scary movie commercials.  HATE them.  I close my eyes so tight the jaws of life couldn't pry them open, dig my fingers in my ears and begin to sing "Jesus, loves me" at the highest possible volume my voice will go.  Often I curl up in the fetal position...that just depends on how flexible I'm feeling.  Since watching a scary movie is something I refuse to do my biggest threats are the previews and commercials.  I'm pretty good at detecting them before they scare the snot out of me.  It's a skill.  However if one does pop up without me realizing it you can bet money that a week long episode of nightmares will ensue. 

That's the top 5.  I'm a loon.  A complete and utter loon.  Please don't have me committed.  My children need me...I cook for them.  

I said that?

A list of things I never thought would come out of my mouth....ever.

1.  Ethan!!!!  Why do you have worms in your pocket??????
2.  Quit drinking your bathwater!  I have no idea if you've peed in it or not!
3.  Please stop licking your knee, I've told you 3 times already!
4.  Can someone help me please????  I'm stuck on the washing machine!
5.  Ethan get the tampon out of your ear it isn't a q-tip.
6.  Stop sitting inside the refrigerator!  Our food will ruin and it's just odd!
7.  I can't remember the last time I took a shower.
8.  Coloring a picture of a monster and putting it underneath your bed does not actually mean you have monsters under your bed.  But that is very creative!
9.  Yes, you have to wear underwear to school.  And yes, your teacher called me and told me about you taking your underwear off at school yesterday and throwing them in the garbage.  You're busted!
10.  If you crawl in my lap one more time and fart I will sew your rear end together.
11.  If you crawl in my lap one more time and "accidentally" burp in my face I will sew your lips together.
12.  Who put hairspray in the microwave???????????
13.  My name is Mommy.  It is not "hey hot chick".  Thanks though. 
14.  How in the world did you fall asleep inside the laundry basket?
15.  Please remove the maxi pad from your forehead.  That doesn't make you a super hero. 

Yes, this is my life.  No, it isn't some crazy dream I will wake up from.  Wanna come for a visit?  Only the brave venture into these waters!

Hormonal Flareups

I need to tell you about this friend I have.  Really, it's a friend.  It's not me.  Really. 
Anyway, my friend has this problem.  She has these things called hormonal flareups.  My friend is trying to get pregnant, she is taking medication that does crazy things to her hormone levels.  CRAZY!  Crazy things.  I have recently witnessed some of these "episodes" and would like to share them with you. 

My friends name is Shmecky and her poor, poor, saint of a husbands name is Shmallen.  Shmallen will have a crown of jewels when he gets to heaven for putting up with Shmecky's hormonal flareups.  Please don't judge my sweet friend Schmecky she loves Shmallen and is always very, very sorry after an episode.  Just not until days later.

Let me state again for the record that this is about my friend Shmecky.  This isn't about me.  My name is Becky...not to be confused with Schmecky.  You believe me....right?

Conversation #1

(Shmecky's phone rings.  Shmallen is calling)

Schmecky:  Hello
Shmallen:  Hey baby
Shmecky:  You don't love me anymore do you?
Shmallen:  Honey!  why on earth would you say that???
Shmecky:  Because!   It's true isn't it?!!?  (Tears begin to flow)
Shmallen:  No!  It isn't true!  I love you very much!
Shmecky:  Well, it doesn't feel like you love me!
Shmallen:  Well, I do love you.  I love you very much.
Shmecky:  You didn't kiss me goodbye this morning.
Shmallen:  Yes I did! You were sleeping.
Shmecky:  Why didn't you wake me up?
Shmallen:  Because the last time I woke you up you got mad.
Shmecky:  So are you saying I'm hard to live with?  That is what your saying isn't it? 
Shmallen:  NO!  That is NOT what I'm saying!!!!!   Do you want me to wake you up in the morning when I kiss you?
Shmecky:  If you really loved me you would know the answer to that question!  See!  I told you!  You don't love me!!!! 

(Shmecky ends the phone call because she can no longer talk she is crying so hard.  Shmallen is in an utter state of confusion and begins to pray for God to save his marriage.  By the time Shmallen gets home from work Shmecky has recovered from her hormonal flareup and life goes back to normal.  Shmallen begins to prepare himself for the next episode) 

Conversation #2

(Shmecky and Shmallen are watching Grey's Anatomy on the couch together two weeks after conversation #1 took place)

Shmecky:  I like that girls outfit!  It looks really nice.
Shmallen:  yea
Shmecky:  OOOOOO I bet you you!  I bet you just LOVE her outfit!  Seriously!  How big of a jerk can you be? 
Shmallen:  huh?  what?  huh?
Shmecky:  Don't you dare act like you don't know what I'm talking about!  Do you think I'm stupid?  Well let me tell you one thing right now I am NOT stupid!  I am far far far from being stupid.  How dare you even think that I'm stupid! 
Shmallen:  Um...honey I have no idea what you are talking about.  But I promise I do not think you are stupid.  You are very smart.  What ARE you talking about?
Shmecky:  You know exactly what I am talking about. 
Shmallen:  I seriously have no idea what you are upset about. 
Shmecky:  You think I'm fat.  That is what I'm talking about.  You think I'm a stupid fatty.
Shmallen:  Honey, you are going to need to calm down.  You're not fat.  You're not stupid.  I love you. 
Shmecky:  Then why didn't you kiss me goodbye when you left for work two weeks ago?
Shmallen:  O dear.

(Shmecky exits the room crying.  Shmallen prays for God to save his marriage and begins to prepare himself for the next episode)

Conversation #3

(Shmethan is Shmeck and Shmals 6 year old son.  Shmethan just told Shmecky that he is going to grow up to be a big boy.  This conversation is taking place approx. 2 months after conversation #1.)

Shmecky:  SHMALLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shmallen:  Yea?
Shmecky:  (sobbing uncontrollably)  Smethan just told me he was gonna grow up!
Shmallen:  Yea...that happens sometimes.  Kids grow up.
Shmecky:  Well I don't want him to! 
Shmallen:  I'm sorry honey.  I want him to stay little forever too.
Shmecky:  Don't talk to me in that tone of voice!  You know I hate it when you talk about me in that tone of voice!
Shmallen:  Honey!  I don't have a tone with you!  I don't want him to grow up either!
Shmecky:  So are you calling me stupid?  Do you not think I know when you take a tone with me?  Well let me tell you one thing right now mister I am not stupid!  I know a tone when I hear a tone and I DID hear a tone.
Shmallen:  I'm sorry if you heard a tone.  I didn't mean for it to sound that way.  I love our baby boy and want him to be little forever just like you. 
Shmecky:  I just want to be pregnant, or adopt a baby, or something that has to do with babies!
Shmallen:  Me too baby.  Me too.
Shmecky:  Then why didn't you kiss me goodbye when you left for work 2 months ago?

(Shmecky calls Aunt Shmusan and crys.  Aunt Shmusan talks to Shmallen the next day and tells him he needs to pray harder for God to save their marriage) 

Arn't you glad I took time out of my hormonal I mean busy day to tell you about this dear sweet couple?  Hormonal flareups can be rough (or so I've been told) but if anyone can make it through them I bet its Shmecky and Shmallen.  I'll keep you posted on how they are handling these flareups.  You still believe me right?  This is about my friend.  Not me.  My friend. 

Rules for wearing Spanx

Fluffy
Big Boned
Padded
Chunky
Overweight
Obese
Flabby
Jiggly
Old
Plus sized


If any of those words apply to you then a case can be made that you might benefit from wearing Spanx. 

Spanx.  I hate them.  I love them. I REALLY hate that I need them.  If your going to wear them then you need to know what your getting yourself into.  Literally.  These suckers aren't for the faint of heart.  Proceed with caution!

1.  Allow yourself 2 hours of "prep" time.  First you need to get your spanx out of your drawer, up off the floor, out of the laundry basket, or wherever they may be.  I'm not here to judge where your clean clothes are stored.  After you have located the spanx lay them out on your bed.  Now stare at them for about 30 minutes.  This is essential to surviving the "wear time".  Stare at your spanx and give yourself a pep talk.  Say these things to yourself...
-I can do this
-Just this once
-I can't fit into my outfit without these
-I won't jiggle when I walk
-It will all be worth it in the end
-I'll understand it better by and by

Do not say these things to yourself...it will just bring you down.
-I'm fat
-I hate my life
-I hate my clothes
-I vibrate when I walk
-The devil is the father of lies and spanx
-I'd rather go back to bed

Okay, now you've talked it up and your ready to think about melting yourself into spandex from hell. 

2.  Go to the bathroom.  When wearing spanx it is impossible to get them off in a hurry.  If a bathroom emergency arises things are going to get ugly...real quick.  Personally I like to begin fasting 24hours before wearing these bad boys.  I stop all intake of food and beverage.  This is a two fold reason.
-Getting them off requires the jaws of life
-I cry and have a meltdown in the bathroom stall trying to get them back up.

3.  Pray.  I don't want to tell you how to pray, so I'll just give you an example of what I typically say. 
"Dear God,
I'm so sorry I'm fat.  If you will just make me skinny I will become a missionary in Mongolia and never sin again.  If you don't answer this prayer with an immediate yes then I need you to bridle my tongue effective now.  Please forgive me for the future words I will most likely say. "

4. Go lock your bedroom door.  A woman trying to get into spanx is worse then a woman giving birth.  You do not need your husband to see you in this condition.

5.  Here is where it is going to get interesting.  Sit down on your bed and begin by putting both feet into the legs of your spanx.  It will be smooth sailing until you hit your thighs.  You need to get them ALL THE WAY UP.  The crotch of the spanx doesn't need to be halfway down your thigh...same goes for pantyhose too.  Lay down on the bed and flail yourself back and forth until you have managed to get your spanx all the way up.  I use the method where I lift my butt wayyyyy up in the air balancing on my heels and head.  Now, that you've got your spanx on you will need to ask for divine intervention to get yourself off the bed.  I prefer to roll myself off the edge of the bed and pray I land on my feet before I hit the floor.  If you do end up on the floor your day is over.  Cry, weep, and wail then swallow all your pride and call a forklift to lift you up.

This is my method...but this is NOT me.

6.  This isn't rocket science.  The fat has to go somewhere.  Spanx works wonders when it comes to smoothing you out and making you look smaller then what you really are.  I don't have proof to back up this statement but in my opinion I think all the fat that the spanx has smoothed out gets pushed into your diaphragm making it hard to breathe, move, talk, walk, smile, laugh, or be civil.  So rule number six is to steer clear of having conversations, walking and eating.  When wearing spanx the idea is to be seen, not heard. 

7.  Before putting your clothes on check and make sure there are no holes in your spanx.  Trust me on this.  Ever seen biscuit dough explode out of the Pillsbury can?  The can is the spanx and the dough is your fat.  Now that I've got that lovely analogy in your head we can move along. 

8.  Make sure that your dress is longer then the legs of your spanx.  You haven't gone through all this pain to end up looking like Mrs. Doubtfire in a tan fat suit.  Another reason for this is you want to appear naturally skinny and evidence of spanx will blow your case wide open.  It will give an explanation as to why you have a sour look on your face though. 

9.  Pull your spanx up very high.  Like wearing mom jeans.  They will eventually start coming down if you wear them long enough and the goal is to avoid having a muffin top, not create a larger one. 

Go for this

NOT this

10.  Don't put them in the dryer.  Hang them up after you wash them.  If you do dry them trust and believe you will never ever be able to wear them again.  They will look like a pair of leggings for a 3mo. old. 

So there we go!  Spanx are good to have.  You never know when your going to need to fit into something you really shouldn't be fitting into. 

Do the pro's out weight the con's?  I think so!  I'll do anything to appear smaller without having to diet or exercise! 

This isn't me either

Just To Name A Few

As I have mentioned in previous blogs I was raised southern Baptist.  Very southern Baptist.  Then I went and married an amazing man who just so happens to be a licensed Church of God minister.  After long, long, long, long discussions about theology and denominational differences we felt if would be best for me to go to church with him.  This also had a lot to do with the fact that I moved to Tennessee where he was already an established member and served many roles at his church.  If the tables were turned and we lived in my hometown he would have transferred membership to my church where I was an established member and served many roles.  What I'm trying to say is when it came to the "hot button" issues that separate most denominations we always agreed on the same things.  As long as our church of choosing preaches the word of God and follows the teachings of Jesus Christ we're game.

I could end here, but that would be very boring.  My grandpa always said I had the ability to shut up, but not the brains to allow myself to.  I guess you could say that about my blogging too!  Put all of your theological views aside because this blog will NOT be addressing those.  Allow me to share with you some of the differences I've encountered since the big "denominational change".  Feel free to laugh your tail off.  It isn't sacrilegious, God has a sense of humor to ya know!

-If you have somewhere to be after church then  I recommend going Baptist.  If you would like to make it to your restaurant of choosing before anyone else I recommend going Baptist.  Pentecostals are just warming up when Baptists are saying the benediction prayer. 

-If you have narcolepsy or have trouble staying awake when sitting down then a Pentecostal church is right up your alley.  About the time you feel the need to grab a quick nap someone will let out a holler that will scare the living daylights out of you.  Chances are  you will not have enough time to fall asleep because Pentecostals stand up the majority of the service.  I don't recommend wearing high heels, your feet will hate you at 3:00 when the service that started at 10:00 is finally over.  Leave the high heels to the sleepy Baptists. 

-If your children are loud and do not sit still you may find a Pentecostal church less stressful.  If your children start talking in audible noises at a Baptist church they will most definitely be heard, not the case with the Pentecostals!  My kids don't even have to whisper! Church is so loud no one can even hear them!

-It is perfectly safe and non hazardous to your health to sit on the front row of a Baptist church.  In my opinion I think you should have to sign a waiver to sit on the front row of a Pentecostal church.  My first experience with the front row of a Pentecostal church ended up in bruises all up my leg due to a very excited gentleman falling on top of me while "in the spirit".  I'm not kidding, you can't make this stuff up.

-If you sing and want to feel good about yourself then please try singing at a Pentecostal church.  The reaction from the congregation will make you feel like a rock star.  I've sang at a few Baptist churches and when I was done I had no clue if the congregation could even hear me.

-Hard of hearing?  I've got the solution for you!  I've noticed Pentecostal preachers will repeat themselves...often.  So if you didn't catch what they said the first time around don't worry it is going to be repeated in a much louder voice.  For example:

A Pentecostal preacher may say...
 "CHURCH!  I'm here to praise the Lord!  I SAID CHURCHHHHHHHH!!!!!  I AM HERE TO PRASE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A Baptist preacher may say...
 "Welcome."

These are a few of the differences I have observed...these are also a few of the differences I laugh about.  At the end of the day we can either choose to unite or break apart.  I choose unity...and laughter!