Behind the scenes

Variety.  It's the spice of life. 

You'll find recipes here, you'll find a good laugh, you might find recommendations, you'll hear funny blackmailing stories about my children, and you'll also hear about topics that go a little bit deeper, and delve into struggles we face. 

We are going through a difficult time right now.  You can read about that here.  It just so happens that we're human, we are Christians and we will face trials and tribulations.  Life won't always be peachy.  Try looking in the bible for that.  Peachy wasn't promised. 

As I've been coping with our recent health issues and the complications that have followed I started reflecting on the past when I've felt hopeless, or lost, confused, sad, and broken. 

I don't feel that I can share with you our struggles without also sharing with you the deliverance and answered prayers that have came later on down the road.  Despite the trial or tribulation God was always working out things for our good behind the scenes.  We didn't know it then, but we know it now.  That is the hope, the promise and the rock that I stand upon now.  I don't know why what is happening is happening, but I do know that God is working in this situation and He is working it out FOR OUR GOOD.  It may not be discovered today or tomorrow but it will come to pass, and when it does we'll proclaim that even through this heartbreaking season God was working behind the scenes. 

Let me share with you some "behind the scenes" work.

On Easter this year our church did an outreach ministry.  Our pastor reached out to all the expecting mothers in the area (and beyond) because He felt lead to provide them a baby shower a huge multi-pregnant lady baby shower.  On Easter Sunday he invited all the expecting mothers (there were LOTS of them) to come down to the front of the church and share with them that the church would like to provide them with baby supplies and a shower.  (side note: our church is in a low income area of town and without the church providing these baby supplies the babies would have gone without so it was a wonderful outreach program). 

Well let me tell you one thing right now.  I was sitting in the left corner of my back pew falling into one million pieces.  Before me stood multiple ladies who had the desire of my heart.  They were pregnant.  I was not.  I was broken.  If I could have disappeared I would have been gone in a flash.  It was one of the hardest moments of my life.  Facing the fact that 20+ women stood before me pregnant as pregnant can be, and there I was barren, sad, and heartbroken.  Then the sobbing broke out, my entire body shook under the heartbreak of what stood before me and the heartbreak of never being able to have what those ladies had.  Where was God?  Where was the comforter?  Where was the peace that passes all understanding?  Where was MY healing?  Why weren't MY prayers being answered? 

Now...let me tell you what God had going on "behind the scenes".

Easter was on April 24th.  The little baby that is laying beside me at this very moment was born on April the 12th.  When I was broken, God already had a baby out there for us.  He was 12 days old.  That was where my God was, that was the answer to my prayers, that was the desire of my heart.  I was begging God for my baby and my baby was already 12 days old. 

I don't know how long this baby will be with us, we have hope that this is our forever family. 

So, whatever your going through, no matter how broken, discouraged and lost you may be feeling.  Take courage, God is working behind the scenes.  Your deliverance may be done the road, but your deliverance is most certainly coming.  It's coming in Gods time. 

I don't know why we have suffered multiple miscarriages, I don't understand why my body can't do what a woman's body should do, I don't understand why I'm facing problems and scares that threaten my health. 

What I do know is that God is working in this situation, and "farther along, we'll know all about it, farther along we'll understand why". 

Work is going on behind the scenes, and as we climb this mountain relying on faith every step of the way I know that deliverance will come in His time. 

Here is another real life behind the scenes testimony!

Where we are

This post has been deleted and re posted more times then I care to count.  But, I feel in my spirit there is someone, somewhere out there who may need to read this, and I know that I need to write it. 

Allen and I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past few days. 

Tuesday night (well actually EARLY Wednesday morning) we suffered a miscarriage.  It hasn't been our first.  I pray without ceasing it is our last. It is clear that my body can't handle another pregnancy anytime soon... if ever.  Quite a bit of damage has been done to my uterus and ovaries and it would be dangerous for a pregnancy to happen again. 

I'm not ashamed to admit that I don't understand everything that happens in our lives.  If I'm being completely honest I take quite a bit of comfort in that too.  God knows what He's doing, and right now I place every single bit of everything I am in that knowledge. 

I have 3 of the most amazing children any mother could ask for.  I have a caring, loving, understanding, and Godly husband.  I have parents who love and cherish me and my family.  I have friends who come running to help me in anytime I need them.  I have In-laws who treat me like "real" family.  I am blessed. 

We are sad, and confused.  God knows where we are, and He will heal this situation in the matter He sees fit. 

We appreciate all your prayers and keep em coming! 

He's God in the good times, and He's God in the bad times.  We cling to that promise.

Comings and Goings

You can always depend on change.

We've had quite a bit of changes happen in our home and I don't want you to feel left out, so I'll tell you about them!

We are a family of 3.  I must say that I am enjoying Ethan being an only child if just for a little while.  I adore the time I am getting to spend with him and am thankful God is providing this special season to pour all our love and attention on just him.  I have a feeling he is enjoying it as well. 

We manage to get into all sorts of fun things during the day, and only having one child to be responsible for is quite the change for me!  I'm used to 3 or more children at a time so this is a new experience for all of us.

We are excited and anxiously awaiting a phone call for more children to be placed in our home.  This is another reason why we are enjoying Ethan being our only child because we know that will soon come to an end and we will have more children and babies to love on. 

It has, is, and will continue to be the desire of our hearts to provide a home for any and all children who need us.  I know that God already has a wonderful plan in place and I become overjoyed at the thought of it!  God knows the desire of our hearts, so now we wait for those desires and dreams to happen!

Rollercoaster

What a day this has been! To describe this day as a roller coaster of emotions is the best description I can think of.  Here is my greatest attempt at putting today into words.  Before I begin I want to remind myself and my readers why I am putting this out there.  This blog serves so many purposes.  One of these is a reminder of where we have been, what we've been through, what God has allowed us to experience, and how it will all work out to form a wonderfully beautiful plan that only the master of creation could paint.  To say that this time in my life is always pleasant and enjoyable would be a lie.  I want this blog to always be a reminder that even at my lowest God never forgot or ignored the cries of my heart.

Now, with that reminder in place lets get started!

Allen has a sister.  Her name is Amy.  She is married to Tom.  Amy and Tom have one daughter, her name is Kaydance.  Today at 1:59pm Amy, Tom, and Kaydance welcomed a beautiful little girl into the world.  Miss Paiton Leeann Taylor.  Let me tell you right now she is an absolute doll baby!  The first time I saw her in person I knew she had to be a porcelain doll!   I have never seen a baby with such angelic features.  Absolutely flawless!  While I'm gushing about the beauty of this sweet little girl let me also elaborate on Amy...

I was preparing myself for Amy to be beside herself in pain and exhaustion.  I mean seriously after what had occurred just a few hours earlier I thought this was a fair assumption.  Again, I was totally wrong!  Amy was perky and happy sitting straight up in her hospital bed.  Joking and texting, explaining the details of the day and beaming with pride.  It looked like she had just been chillin all day...which was FAR from the truth.  The award goes to Amy for looking like a beauty queen after childbirth.  Either Amy is a super star or I have had a very unrealistic view of how women look after bringing a child into the world. 

Okay now that I have told you about the high points of the day I will share with you some of the low points of the day. 

My ovaries hate me.  They are currently causing all sorts of problems.  The biggest of those problems is infertility.  Three solid years of trying to have a child.  Three solid years of peeing on pregnancy tests that always say "negative".  Three years is nothing in comparison to the years other women have struggled with this same issue.  Three years seems like a lifetime.  The thought of one more moment is unthinkable, so I have no clue how other women have done it.  There are several ladies in my life who have struggled with this issue far longer then I have and I respect them and admire them more than words could ever convey. 

I try and steer clear of pregnant women and babies.  It is a constant reminder of the pain infertilty can bring.  But this situation isn't something I can avoid.  This is my family.  I must be a part of this.  I can't run and hide, this must be faced.  I must overcome the heartbreak of infertility so I can be the person Amy needs me to be. 

Today was difficult on so many levels.  I felt so guilty and selfish for not being ecstatic about the events of today.  I felt like I should be this over the moon auntie who should gush over her new niece.  I am ashamed that when I think about Paiton my heart rips into.  Ashamed that the thought of today causes the air to be sucked out of my lungs.  Ashamed that instead of smiling and laughing I am crying and trying desperately to fight back the overwhelming desire to fall into a million pieces. 

I am happy for Amy, I know this baby will be taken care of.  She will be loved and adored.  Paiton has a mommy and daddy and older sister who will worship her.  She has tons of extended family who will dote and show her more love then imaginable.  I do NOT want this blog to misrepresent my feelings about this amazing family. 

Maybe that is why today has been so hard.  It would be different if I thought this baby needed me to rescue her.  I could understand why I would feel this way if I didn't like Amy.  But nothing could be farther from the truth.  We have a wonderful friendship and I cherish her presence in my life. 

If the tables were turned I know Amy would be by my side bossing around doctors and nurses telling them how to take care of me.  She would be offering her help in any and all areas of my life.  So the fact that I couldn't stay in the hospital room for more then 20 minutes without excusing myself to fall apart in the hallway seems rude and selfish. 

Today will always be a reminder of several things...

How truly amazing the miracle of childbirth is.  I will never understand how you can deny that there is a God after seeing a new baby.  Every detail is in perfect place. 

I will always be amazed at how two completely different people can come together and create a life.  How this happens is a mystery to me.  A wonderful God consumed mystery. 

How God places certain people in your life at the perfect times.  Susan (Allen's Aunt) happened to be at the hospital at the same time I arrived.  Susan struggled with years of infertility and knew exactly how I would be feeling.  I am so grateful for her presence in my life.  I needed her shoulder today.  I needed someone who understood what I was feeling.  She is the proud mamma of twin boys. She is a constant reminder that this is a season, and this won't last forever. 

I'm glad that this day is coming to an end.  I need a good nights rest so I can wake up feeling renewed and refreshed.  I may not enjoy this season in my life, but I have no doubt that God is with me and is guiding us into a new season.  I am ready for that season.  Until it arrives I will devote myself to being the best mommy I can be to an amazing little boy.  I will try everyday to be a person that God can trust to raise His children.  I don't want to miss out on the blessings of raising an amazing 6 year old because I'm busy weeping over the state of my uterus.  I want to be the best aunt I can be to my two nieces.  In all things I must remember that joy comes in the morning. 

Where my heart is

I have gone back and forth on if I should post this or not, and I have finally decided that I should.  This blog serves many purposes.  It helps me keep in touch with people that I ordinarily wouldn't be able to keep in touch with, I hope to help and encourage, and invoke laughter and thought in my readers, and its a record of our lives.  So much happens that I never want to forget and now I will always have this to look back on. 
A forewarning now:  this blog has the potential to be extremely long.

The reason I feel compelled to write this blog is because I am clinging to God's promises in an area of our life.  It is the desire of my heart to have a baby.  When I say "have a baby" I don't necessarily mean ME giving birth to a child, although I think that would be amazing!  If it is through adoption or biological I am happy either way.  Allen and I have been trying for almost 3 years, and still no baby.  We have been foster parents for 2 years and no permanent baby has came yet.  (I know that their are women that have tried for much longer than we have and I feel guilty even putting this out there.)

Infertility can really wreak havoc on a marriage, a person, your emotions, your entire family, your friendships.  I had no idea the affects it can cause. I am so blessed I feel Allen and I communicate on this topic and try to be aware of each others feelings.  I have to remember that infertility is just as hard on him as it is on me, as a woman I often feel like its my fault, my problem, my issue, when in fact it is our mountain to climb not my mountain alone.  Due to the crazy hormone levels my body goes through to say I am an emotional wreck doesn't come close to describing me 95% of the time. 
I counted the number of women around me who are pregnant right now and the grand total was 17!  Then if that wasn't a big enough kick in the stomach I proceeded to count the number of women I knew who had just had a baby in the last 6 months and that total came to 19!  To say I am not overcome with jealousy would be a lie, and this blog isn't about sugar coating how wonderful a journey this can be.  The truth is sometimes it just stinks.  It is my constant prayer for God to help me overcome the feelings of jealousy.  Several things typically happen when I am face to face with a pregnant person or a baby.  Sometimes I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction because facing it often feels like the worlds largest knife plunging itself into my heart.  Sometimes I try and speak to the person and congratulate them and all I can do is cry.  On good days I can carry on a conversation and try and be somewhat respectable.  I don't know why I have the urge to put all this out there because it is quite embarrassing, but there is someone out there who needs to read this of that I am sure.  If I can help one person get through one struggle then all of this is more than worth it.
So this is the mountain we are climbing.  Please don't take this as nothing but a negative and bitter blog because it so not that at all.  This is my opportunity  to share the struggles we all face in some way or another.  I serve a miracle working God, and I have not lost faith that He has a plan far greater then anything I can imagine.  He has his own time table.  God hasn't forgotten about us, and when I pray He isn't surprised to find out we don't have a baby yet.  If we are being completely honest even if God does not have it in His plan to answer our plea, then HE IS STILL GOD, and everything will work itself out. We would appreciate your prayers as we go through this stage in our life, and we want a baby in Gods timing as hard as that is for me to say sometimes (I want a baby NOW), it is still our constant prayer.