We are blessed.

This post was worn me out. 

I've written it. 
And deleted it. 

and I've re-written it.
Then I deleted it.

and I've repeated that about 900 times.

Vicious. Cycle.

We are preparing to say goodbye to our little girl.
I'm not willing to say this is our final goodbye because the future holds many possibilities.

But, a goodbye is in store.

Publicly we are doing our best to walk through this season gracefully.
Privately...we cry.

We fall in love with the children who enter our lives, and it is very difficult to release them into situations where I don't feel they should be.  I have to realize that I don't make the rules, I have to play by the ones that others have made for me.  I don't have to like them, accept them, or agree with them.  But I agreed to play this game, knowing what the rules were.  And I don't get to throw in the towel or be nasty when I don't feel that those rules are "fair".

Without "those" rules we wouldn't have Ethan.  You have to take the salt with the sugar.

My head has all the right responses.

My head knows...
 Joy comes in the morning!
All things work together for good!
We'll understand it better by and by

I have all the right bible verses, I  know it won't always be THIS hard, I understand that in order to have what we have now we had to loose others, I know we'll get through this.  I KNOW all of that.  I get it!  I know!!!!! 

My heart just hurts right now. 

My heart is mourning all the dreams I had for her future with us. 

She still has a beauitful future awaiting her. 

We do to. 

It just isn't the way I thought it would happen.

Worse things have happened...my head knows that.

We will miss her.  She was been nothing but a joy since the day we laid eyes on her.   I am so thankful to have been given the chance to be her mommy.  It changed my life.  She changed my life. Regardless of what I feel, how I feel, or if I even have a right to feel at all...I am grateful.  I am blessed to have what we did.  So very blessed. 

We'll get through this.  We always do.  While it is still overwhelmingly sad right now, we are still overwhelmingly blessed.  I still am required to be a mommy to our other babies and I don't want their mother to be sad and bitter...THEY don't want their mother to be sad and bitter. In the midst of all my shortcomings and failures I hope they see that I am trying to do this the best way I know how, as much as I can.  I pray they see grace when they remember these times.  Because I can't do this on my own.  I am way to human and hormonal to get through this alone.  That's why there's grace.  And His grace is ALWAYS sufficient. 

It is my prayer that we not lose sight of all we have been blessed with.  The loss is so obvious at times that I lose sight of what we've gained.  We are blessed. 

Now, more than ever the cry of my heart is...
The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. 
Blessed be the name of the Lord.