Status Update

I've lied awake for 3 nights composing this post.  I've waiting a little over a week before posting anything regarding our recent "news" because I wanted time to process my feelings and know MY feelings before sharing them.  So, here it is. 

About a month ago I had to attend a meeting with the Foster Care Review Board.  This group is made up of several different members of the community they review the reasons behind  a child being taken into custody and after meeting with the biological parents (or whomever is involved in the case) they submit a recommendation to the judge. 

Being completely and painfully honest  I went into this meeting on my high horse.  I knew all would work out according to my plan and we'd leave one step closer to adopting the boys. 

All did not go as I had hoped.  The review board saw things differently then I did and made the recommendation that the biological mom be given another chance to parent her children. 

I left with the wind knocked out of my sails.  Things weren't going "as planned".  Bummer.  Immediately after the meeting I was mad, and  confused.  I called my grandmother and shared with her my frustrations and fears.  At the end of the conversation I said that "if adopting these babies isn't God's plan for us I NEED understanding and peace...I can't go through this feeling like I feel right now." 

So, for the past month we've had that cloud lingering over our plans for the future.  We knew the foster care review board wasn't the end all - be all of this case, we also knew they carried quite a bit of weight in the final decision.  Basically we were confused.  Who do we believe?  How do we plan?  What in the world do we do?!?

Then, came the phone call. 

DCS had re-evaluated the evidence and decided they didn't have enough "facts" to proceed with termination.  They agreed with the review board and would come up with a plan to re-unite the boys with the biological family. 

Allen called me with the news right as I was loading all 3 boys up to take Ethan to a doctors appointment.  I knew I didn't have the option to fall apart....at least not until after Ethan's appointment.  I had places to go, and people to see for crying out loud(Pun intended)! 

I quickly realized I wasn't panic stricken.  I wasn't hysterically crying.  I didn't have an overwhelming desire to curl up into a ball and sink into a bottomless depression.  I didn't want to throw myself a pity party. 

What. In. The. World. 

I'm THAT person!  I'm the girl you avoid telling things to because I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!  

I'm a cry baby.
I say things like "this isn't fair!!!!!"
I feel sorry for myself.
I cry for days on end.
I'm overly emotional.
I'm really hormonal.

I'm not pretending to have it all together right now.  What I do have is a peace that everything is going to be OK regardless of the outcome.  I have an understanding that I need to be a mentor to a mother who I may not agree with but have an overwhelming and surprisingly large amount of compassion for.  God is showing me that compassion and judgement don't make good bedfellows.  It's hard to have them both.  I choose compassion.  I've spent the past 9 months showing this mother nothing but judgement, and it has sowed a bitter seed inside of me that I'm ashamed of.  God is dealing with me on this matter and I'm realizing the attitude I'm supposed to have.  Compassion. 

I'm flooded with thoughts about HER well-being. 

What if I were her? 
How can I help her be the BEST choice for HER children?  
What can I do to establish a relationship that will help her be a great mother instead of terminate her as a mother? 

This wasn't what we wanted to happen.  We wanted to adopt these babies and skip merrily off into our future.  I'd be lying if I said this is what we'd dreamed about.  This option was what our nightmares consisted of.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is blanketing our life with peace that only He offers.  I'm so thankful for this.  I know what it's like to go through times like this without peace and understanding...I never want to go through that again.   

I'm not going to dwell on the negative.  We have been blessed beyond words.  I was able to step into a role of mommy to two of the most amazing babies anyone could ask for. 

After months of watching sweet little baby throw up entire bottles at a time I was blessed to experience the joy of feedings without being soaked in baby milk throw up.

We have been blessed to see a 3 month old who wore preemie outfits because he was so malnourished and sick turn into an 11 month old who is rolly, plump, and a little on the chubby side! 

We have been blessed with a two year old who will sit in your lap for hours doing nothing but cuddle. 

We've watched Ethan become a responsible big brother who thinks the sun rises and sets in his little brothers. 

And now we will see a mother who made some rotten choices out of ignorance and fear, make healthy choices and become the mother God created her to be.  She will and already is becoming the mother that HER boys need her to be. 

In an attempt to wrap this post up.  I want to thank everyone for your prayers.  Without them I'd be lost.  Please continue to pray for an easy transition for all involved...and continued peace for what is to be a difficult journey.