Remembering to be Grateful

I don't think it's human nature to have a grateful spirit.  I do believe the vast majority of people WANT to have a grateful attitude.  I think it's harder for some than others, and I think you have to choose (not be forced) to have a grateful attitude. 

I would classify myself as someone who intends to be grateful but usually isn't.  I am a very selfish person.  I'm the first to admit it, and the last to embrace the changes it takes to be selfless.  I'm an only child, and an only grandchild.  I was the only baby on my fathers side, and the first baby (for 7 years) on my mothers side.  Needless to say I thought the world revolved around ONLY my wants and wishes. 

I am by no means blaming my selfish self on my raising.  I can remember at a very early age recognizing the power I held and using it for all it was worth.  Everyone wanted to be my favorite (a commonality among children of divorces) and I would exploit their love for whatever I wanted.  It worked.  Feel free to call me Spoiled T. Rotten. 

Something tends to happen when a spoiled brat encounters real life problems.  Real life didn't care that for 18+ years I got whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  Real life didn't respond to pouting, or crying, or whatever tactic I thought might help.  Real life doesn't change or take it easy on you because you feel "above it all".  I made a lot of mistakes, had to reap seeds I've sown.  Not fun. 

I struggle with a feeling of entitlement.  I DESERVE to have this or that.  It's hard to be grateful for something you feel like you DESERVE.  As life lessons have knocked me down, broken a bit of my entitled spirit, and taught me things that were very hard to learn I have learned that I don't deserve anything. 

If I got only what I deserved I'd be dead.  That mentality breeds gratefulness.  I have been given so much not because I have earned it but because my creator entrusted me with it. 

I never meant to allow my blessings to become my burdens, but I certainly let that happen.

When we first got the little boys (7-8-11) I was so overwhelmed with gratitude.  I couldn't believe that we would have the opportunity to raise these precious little souls.  I was so happy.  Then, the new wore off.  Sleep was scarce, laundry was abundant, laughs were few and tears were flowing.  I let the nighttime feedings, the dirty bottles, the dirty diapers, the loads of laundry, the cries, and the needs of my children become burdens instead of blessings.

When we first learned of the possibility that we may not be able to adopt the boys all those "burdens" became precious memories again.  I was suddenly reminded that I had looked at these gifts as something I deserved instead of something I was entrusted with.  All the things I grumbled and complained about were really nothing more than daily blessings...not daily curses. 

We now know the transition schedule we will all go through as the boys are reunited with their birth family, and when their last day with us will be. Time is precious again, memories are much more important, I am slower to anger and forgive much faster than normal.  Living for the moment is required because we only have a few moments left.  It was always my intent to live in the moment and make every day count and it was very easy in the beginning and on the good days.  I lost my spirit of gratefulness, embraced my spirit of entitlement and looked at days as something I "just had to get through". 

As we approach the end of our role as "mommy and daddy" to these little babies I daily remind myself to be grateful.  The times when I'm overwhelmed with frustration will soon be precious memories.  I will soon miss all these dirty diapers (yes!  can you believe it?), the growing pile of laundry, the nights I spend in the rocking chair, my messy messy house,  and the mundane tasks you have when you have babies.  I remind myself that an attitude of gratefulness must be intentional. 

I am grateful for my time with these beautiful boys.  Grateful for the lost sleep.  Grateful for the early mornings, and the late nights.  Grateful for the never ending "to-do's" on my list.  Grateful for the time spent swaddling and rocking.  Grateful that God allowed me to have such amazing joy.  Grateful for all the work involved in leaving the house with 3 children in tow.  Grateful for our amazing 7 year old.  Grateful for a remarkably wonderful husband.  Grateful for peace.  Grateful for understanding.  Grateful that the circumstances of today cannot darken our dreams for the future.