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Thursday, March 3, 2011

Rules for wearing Spanx

Fluffy
Big Boned
Padded
Chunky
Overweight
Obese
Flabby
Jiggly
Old
Plus sized


If any of those words apply to you then a case can be made that you might benefit from wearing Spanx. 

Spanx.  I hate them.  I love them. I REALLY hate that I need them.  If your going to wear them then you need to know what your getting yourself into.  Literally.  These suckers aren't for the faint of heart.  Proceed with caution!

1.  Allow yourself 2 hours of "prep" time.  First you need to get your spanx out of your drawer, up off the floor, out of the laundry basket, or wherever they may be.  I'm not here to judge where your clean clothes are stored.  After you have located the spanx lay them out on your bed.  Now stare at them for about 30 minutes.  This is essential to surviving the "wear time".  Stare at your spanx and give yourself a pep talk.  Say these things to yourself...
-I can do this
-Just this once
-I can't fit into my outfit without these
-I won't jiggle when I walk
-It will all be worth it in the end
-I'll understand it better by and by

Do not say these things to yourself...it will just bring you down.
-I'm fat
-I hate my life
-I hate my clothes
-I vibrate when I walk
-The devil is the father of lies and spanx
-I'd rather go back to bed

Okay, now you've talked it up and your ready to think about melting yourself into spandex from hell. 

2.  Go to the bathroom.  When wearing spanx it is impossible to get them off in a hurry.  If a bathroom emergency arises things are going to get ugly...real quick.  Personally I like to begin fasting 24hours before wearing these bad boys.  I stop all intake of food and beverage.  This is a two fold reason.
-Getting them off requires the jaws of life
-I cry and have a meltdown in the bathroom stall trying to get them back up.


3.  Pray.  I don't want to tell you how to pray, so I'll just give you an example of what I typically say. 
"Dear God,
I'm so sorry I'm fat.  If you will just make me skinny I will become a missionary in Mongolia and never sin again.  If you don't answer this prayer with an immediate yes then I need you to bridle my tongue effective now.  Please forgive me for the future words I will most likely say. "

4. Go lock your bedroom door.  A woman trying to get into spanx is worse then a woman giving birth.  You do not need your husband to see you in this condition.

5.  Here is where it is going to get interesting.  Sit down on your bed and begin by putting both feet into the legs of your spanx.  It will be smooth sailing until you hit your thighs.  You need to get them ALL THE WAY UP.  The crotch of the spanx doesn't need to be halfway down your thigh...same goes for pantyhose too.  Lay down on the bed and flail yourself back and forth until you have managed to get your spanx all the way up.  I use the method where I lift my butt wayyyyy up in the air balancing on my heels and head.  Now, that you've got your spanx on you will need to ask for divine intervention to get yourself off the bed.  I prefer to roll myself off the edge of the bed and pray I land on my feet before I hit the floor.  If you do end up on the floor your day is over.  Cry, weep, and wail then swallow all your pride and call a forklift to lift you up.

This is my method...but this is NOT me.

6.  This isn't rocket science.  The fat has to go somewhere.  Spanx works wonders when it comes to smoothing you out and making you look smaller then what you really are.  I don't have proof to back up this statement but in my opinion I think all the fat that the spanx has smoothed out gets pushed into your diaphragm making it hard to breathe, move, talk, walk, smile, laugh, or be civil.  So rule number six is to steer clear of having conversations, walking and eating.  When wearing spanx the idea is to be seen, not heard. 

7.  Before putting your clothes on check and make sure there are no holes in your spanx.  Trust me on this.  Ever seen biscuit dough explode out of the Pillsbury can?  The can is the spanx and the dough is your fat.  Now that I've got that lovely analogy in your head we can move along. 


8.  Make sure that your dress is longer then the legs of your spanx.  You haven't gone through all this pain to end up looking like Mrs. Doubtfire in a tan fat suit.  Another reason for this is you want to appear naturally skinny and evidence of spanx will blow your case wide open.  It will give an explanation as to why you have a sour look on your face though. 


9.  Pull your spanx up very high.  Like wearing mom jeans.  They will eventually start coming down if you wear them long enough and the goal is to avoid having a muffin top, not create a larger one. 

Go for this
NOT this

10.  Don't put them in the dryer.  Hang them up after you wash them.  If you do dry them trust and believe you will never ever be able to wear them again.  They will look like a pair of leggings for a 3mo. old. 

So there we go!  Spanx are good to have.  You never know when your going to need to fit into something you really shouldn't be fitting into. 

Do the pro's out weight the con's?  I think so!  I'll do anything to appear smaller without having to diet or exercise! 

This isn't me either


11 comments:

  1. HILARIOUS!
    and I love Spanx :)

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  2. Too funny!

    While Spanx and other extreme control products really are meant to be this tight, if you are going through this routine with regular pantyhose, you need to admit to yourself it is time for a bigger size. They will stay up better and wear longer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, but, will a larger size hold you in better. I have tried a d, then an e; both times it ripped in the thigh area. I was advised by Spanx not to get a larger size, to hoist rather than tug. when I did, it hurt near my
      rib cage.

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  3. Seriously, you should publish this! I haven't laughed this hard in a long time... Of course having put on Spanx I could totally relate.
    You are a talented writer! Thanks for the laughter!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Spanx IS NOT MY FRIEND ! I buy the largest size available and they still don't fit. I think that is because I'm short. Don't you ?
    AND that my muffin top is full-o-cookie dough !
    Hmmmmmm, this has me thinking..... I need to look into buying a forklift. Just sayin........
    Love you baby girl. Love your favorite aunt.
    you know who I am...... Aunt Pat ( in case you are confused cuz the spanx has cut off the blood circulation to your brain )

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks. Amusing and educational!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hillarious! Thanks, my Spanx are on their way in the mail - I'm very, very afraid!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I came across your insiteful writng in looking for an honest answer to the question , "what if I have to pee, or worse?" ! Im a small person in my 40's just looking for a smooth out (without plastic surgery) in a new dress for a wedding. I lived thur the 80's Jordash Jeans phase so I can relate to the getting them on stage,( minus the pliars or coat hangers to pull up the zipper my friends swore by) I might be just too old to be that uncomfortable by choice! hmm then again my vanity and wanting to look like I'm in my ehhhm 30's? It might get the best of me! Carry on girls . there's nothing to see here.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have been considering buying some Spanx, and I found your blog while researching. I am worried about the bathroom problem. Can't they make them with some kind of opening? I can just see myself trying to close a Velcro flap in a public restroom without hurting myself.

    Thanks for the insight. I still don't know if I will buy them. Is there any problem sitting down?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I recently purchased Spanx and there's an opening in the crotch without velcro. When you sit down, if you are not wearing underwear, your crotch will be exposed.

      Delete
  9. I am having such a problem with spanx. I bought a d, but, it ripped in the thigh area (where the stitching can be removed with a seam ripper). Bought an e; same problem. Called Spanx, they said to try hoisting instead of tugging, a little bettwr, except that it hurt a little near my rib cage on the left side. Going without anything is not an
    Option. What should I do?

    ReplyDelete