If any of those words apply to you then a case can be made that you might benefit from wearing Spanx.
1. Allow yourself 2 hours of "prep" time. First you need to get your spanx out of your drawer, up off the floor, out of the laundry basket, or wherever they may be. I'm not here to judge where your clean clothes are stored. After you have located the spanx lay them out on your bed. Now stare at them for about 30 minutes. This is essential to surviving the "wear time". Stare at your spanx and give yourself a pep talk. Say these things to yourself...
-I can do this
-Just this once
-I can't fit into my outfit without these
-I won't jiggle when I walk
-It will all be worth it in the end
-I'll understand it better by and by
Do not say these things to yourself...it will just bring you down.
-I hate my life
-I hate my clothes
-I vibrate when I walk
-The devil is the father of lies and spanx
-I'd rather go back to bed
Okay, now you've talked it up and your ready to think about melting yourself into spandex from hell.
2. Go to the bathroom. When wearing spanx it is impossible to get them off in a hurry. If a bathroom emergency arises things are going to get ugly...real quick. Personally I like to begin fasting 24hours before wearing these bad boys. I stop all intake of food and beverage. This is a two fold reason.
-Getting them off requires the jaws of life
-I cry and have a meltdown in the bathroom stall trying to get them back up.
3. Pray. I don't want to tell you how to pray, so I'll just give you an example of what I typically say.
I'm so sorry I'm fat. If you will just make me skinny I will become a missionary in Mongolia and never sin again. If you don't answer this prayer with an immediate yes then I need you to bridle my tongue effective now. Please forgive me for the future words I will most likely say. "
4. Go lock your bedroom door. A woman trying to get into spanx is worse then a woman giving birth. You do not need your husband to see you in this condition.
5. Here is where it is going to get interesting. Sit down on your bed and begin by putting both feet into the legs of your spanx. It will be smooth sailing until you hit your thighs. You need to get them ALL THE WAY UP. The crotch of the spanx doesn't need to be halfway down your thigh...same goes for pantyhose too. Lay down on the bed and flail yourself back and forth until you have managed to get your spanx all the way up. I use the method where I lift my butt wayyyyy up in the air balancing on my heels and head. Now, that you've got your spanx on you will need to ask for divine intervention to get yourself off the bed. I prefer to roll myself off the edge of the bed and pray I land on my feet before I hit the floor. If you do end up on the floor your day is over. Cry, weep, and wail then swallow all your pride and call a forklift to lift you up.
|This is my method...but this is NOT me.|
6. This isn't rocket science. The fat has to go somewhere. Spanx works wonders when it comes to smoothing you out and making you look smaller then what you really are. I don't have proof to back up this statement but in my opinion I think all the fat that the spanx has smoothed out gets pushed into your diaphragm making it hard to breathe, move, talk, walk, smile, laugh, or be civil. So rule number six is to steer clear of having conversations, walking and eating. When wearing spanx the idea is to be seen, not heard.
7. Before putting your clothes on check and make sure there are no holes in your spanx. Trust me on this. Ever seen biscuit dough explode out of the Pillsbury can? The can is the spanx and the dough is your fat. Now that I've got that lovely analogy in your head we can move along.
8. Make sure that your dress is longer then the legs of your spanx. You haven't gone through all this pain to end up looking like Mrs. Doubtfire in a tan fat suit. Another reason for this is you want to appear naturally skinny and evidence of spanx will blow your case wide open. It will give an explanation as to why you have a sour look on your face though.
9. Pull your spanx up very high. Like wearing mom jeans. They will eventually start coming down if you wear them long enough and the goal is to avoid having a muffin top, not create a larger one.
|Go for this|
10. Don't put them in the dryer. Hang them up after you wash them. If you do dry them trust and believe you will never ever be able to wear them again. They will look like a pair of leggings for a 3mo. old.
So there we go! Spanx are good to have. You never know when your going to need to fit into something you really shouldn't be fitting into.
Do the pro's out weight the con's? I think so! I'll do anything to appear smaller without having to diet or exercise!
|This isn't me either|