Hormonal Flareups

I need to tell you about this friend I have.  Really, it's a friend.  It's not me.  Really. 
Anyway, my friend has this problem.  She has these things called hormonal flareups.  My friend is trying to get pregnant, she is taking medication that does crazy things to her hormone levels.  CRAZY!  Crazy things.  I have recently witnessed some of these "episodes" and would like to share them with you. 

My friends name is Shmecky and her poor, poor, saint of a husbands name is Shmallen.  Shmallen will have a crown of jewels when he gets to heaven for putting up with Shmecky's hormonal flareups.  Please don't judge my sweet friend Schmecky she loves Shmallen and is always very, very sorry after an episode.  Just not until days later.

Let me state again for the record that this is about my friend Shmecky.  This isn't about me.  My name is Becky...not to be confused with Schmecky.  You believe me....right?

Conversation #1

(Shmecky's phone rings.  Shmallen is calling)

Schmecky:  Hello
Shmallen:  Hey baby
Shmecky:  You don't love me anymore do you?
Shmallen:  Honey!  why on earth would you say that???
Shmecky:  Because!   It's true isn't it?!!?  (Tears begin to flow)
Shmallen:  No!  It isn't true!  I love you very much!
Shmecky:  Well, it doesn't feel like you love me!
Shmallen:  Well, I do love you.  I love you very much.
Shmecky:  You didn't kiss me goodbye this morning.
Shmallen:  Yes I did! You were sleeping.
Shmecky:  Why didn't you wake me up?
Shmallen:  Because the last time I woke you up you got mad.
Shmecky:  So are you saying I'm hard to live with?  That is what your saying isn't it? 
Shmallen:  NO!  That is NOT what I'm saying!!!!!   Do you want me to wake you up in the morning when I kiss you?
Shmecky:  If you really loved me you would know the answer to that question!  See!  I told you!  You don't love me!!!! 

(Shmecky ends the phone call because she can no longer talk she is crying so hard.  Shmallen is in an utter state of confusion and begins to pray for God to save his marriage.  By the time Shmallen gets home from work Shmecky has recovered from her hormonal flareup and life goes back to normal.  Shmallen begins to prepare himself for the next episode) 

Conversation #2

(Shmecky and Shmallen are watching Grey's Anatomy on the couch together two weeks after conversation #1 took place)

Shmecky:  I like that girls outfit!  It looks really nice.
Shmallen:  yea
Shmecky:  OOOOOO I bet you you!  I bet you just LOVE her outfit!  Seriously!  How big of a jerk can you be? 
Shmallen:  huh?  what?  huh?
Shmecky:  Don't you dare act like you don't know what I'm talking about!  Do you think I'm stupid?  Well let me tell you one thing right now I am NOT stupid!  I am far far far from being stupid.  How dare you even think that I'm stupid! 
Shmallen:  Um...honey I have no idea what you are talking about.  But I promise I do not think you are stupid.  You are very smart.  What ARE you talking about?
Shmecky:  You know exactly what I am talking about. 
Shmallen:  I seriously have no idea what you are upset about. 
Shmecky:  You think I'm fat.  That is what I'm talking about.  You think I'm a stupid fatty.
Shmallen:  Honey, you are going to need to calm down.  You're not fat.  You're not stupid.  I love you. 
Shmecky:  Then why didn't you kiss me goodbye when you left for work two weeks ago?
Shmallen:  O dear.

(Shmecky exits the room crying.  Shmallen prays for God to save his marriage and begins to prepare himself for the next episode)

Conversation #3

(Shmethan is Shmeck and Shmals 6 year old son.  Shmethan just told Shmecky that he is going to grow up to be a big boy.  This conversation is taking place approx. 2 months after conversation #1.)

Shmecky:  SHMALLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shmallen:  Yea?
Shmecky:  (sobbing uncontrollably)  Smethan just told me he was gonna grow up!
Shmallen:  Yea...that happens sometimes.  Kids grow up.
Shmecky:  Well I don't want him to! 
Shmallen:  I'm sorry honey.  I want him to stay little forever too.
Shmecky:  Don't talk to me in that tone of voice!  You know I hate it when you talk about me in that tone of voice!
Shmallen:  Honey!  I don't have a tone with you!  I don't want him to grow up either!
Shmecky:  So are you calling me stupid?  Do you not think I know when you take a tone with me?  Well let me tell you one thing right now mister I am not stupid!  I know a tone when I hear a tone and I DID hear a tone.
Shmallen:  I'm sorry if you heard a tone.  I didn't mean for it to sound that way.  I love our baby boy and want him to be little forever just like you. 
Shmecky:  I just want to be pregnant, or adopt a baby, or something that has to do with babies!
Shmallen:  Me too baby.  Me too.
Shmecky:  Then why didn't you kiss me goodbye when you left for work 2 months ago?

(Shmecky calls Aunt Shmusan and crys.  Aunt Shmusan talks to Shmallen the next day and tells him he needs to pray harder for God to save their marriage) 

Arn't you glad I took time out of my hormonal I mean busy day to tell you about this dear sweet couple?  Hormonal flareups can be rough (or so I've been told) but if anyone can make it through them I bet its Shmecky and Shmallen.  I'll keep you posted on how they are handling these flareups.  You still believe me right?  This is about my friend.  Not me.  My friend.