She's pregnant!!!
I'm genuinely, absolutely, happy for her.
I'm embarrassed to say this is NOT my usual reaction when finding out someone is pregnant. ESPECIALLY someone who I'm close too.
A typical reaction would include....
Crying for days on end
Overwhelming jealousy
A huge pity party
Secluding myself
Complete and total sadness
Then as if all the above isn't horrible enough a wave of guilt washes over me and a lot of shame. I feel guilty and ashamed of myself because I have such a negative response to an absolute miracle. It is very selfish and very real.
There has been quite a bit of healing that has taken place within the past year. I didn't realize how much until Amy told me about her news. When she told me she was pregnant with Paiton (approx 2 yrs ago) I didn't do so well. It was one of the darkest times of our battle with infertility. Amy knows my heart and handled the situation as best as anyone could I am so thankful for that. I did my best to smile but inside I was a train wreck. I wanted more than anything to have a REAL smile, and to be joyous inside. I think that is one of the worst parts. I wanted so bad to have genuine feelings of joy and happiness, but no matter how much I tried all I could come up with is sadness.
The healing hasn't taken place overnight that is for sure! I didn't go to sleep in despair over the state of my uterus and wake up the next morning chipper and happy about our circumstances. That would have been nice though! Day by day, and sometimes minute by minute God is carrying us through. None of this is my doing. The feeling of joy I currently have comes from ONLY one source. I tried this on my own and found myself in bed crying for days and days. Clearly I can't do this on my own.
Through each miscarriage God has been there.
Through each specialist appointment God has been there.
When tests came back with negative results God has been there.
He will always be there.
I so easily forget I am just one piece in a great big puzzle. A very important piece (all of us are!!) but still just a piece. What if my piece never includes biological children? Will I be OK with that? I am right now. We'll see how many times I have to re-evaluate that. I am not foolish enough to think that this battle is over. I am still a woman. I still have raging hormones. I'm still human. There will be days when I'll regress, days when I soar, and days when I just survive. This is life.
As far as "treatments" are concerned we've done all we can do. There is nothing else doctors can do to help us get pregnant. We haven't given up the "dream". It is always in my mind. It just doesn't torment me anymore. I wouldn't give this dream over to God, so He took it from me. It was in His hands anyway I don't know why I fooled myself into believing that I could handle it by myself. I'm not chasing new medications anymore because they're aren't any. I'm not researching new treatment plans because we've exhausted them all. I'm not knocking down doctors doors begging for good news because they've told me they've done all they can do. God had to take this from me or it was going to crush me. The burden was to much for me.
As hard as the discouraging news was to digest I needed to hear it. I needed to exhaust every option available. The LAST thing I want is my biological clock ticking in one ear, and "why didn't you try this or that" ringing in the other.
Despite my empty womb my heart is full. I have children running around all over the place. I currently have baby drool all over my shirt and I think that strange object might be a booger. I prayed to be a mommy and I am one. God heard and answered the cries of my heart.
Our house may not be full of our biological children but it is still full of children. Children who needed our home to be empty. It isn't an accident that the lack of biological children produces space for other children. I have so many blessings to be thankful for!! So what if they didn't come in the package I thought they would? They still came.
I am a stubborn, hateful, bitter, sin ridden piece of clay but God continues to mold me. It hurts, it's uncomfortable, and if I had a say in the matter I'd avoid it. Despite my protests and temper tantrums God continues to mold me. I have a long way to go but it makes the journey a little bit easier when I have the opportunity to see how far I've come.
I needed a glimpse of the bigger picture. I needed to see the journey God has carried me through. I needed a renewed hope that He will continue to walk with me through future trials and when I fall down He will pick me up and carry me. I needed to be reminded I cannot handle infertility alone.
I will be better this time around. Conceiving a child is a miracle and should be treated that way. This is not a time to be selfish or come down with a case of the "why not Me's???" This is a time to be supportive. This is a time to celebrate. It feels wonderful to be able to celebrate instead of finding a corner to collapse into.
Congratulations Amy, Tom, Kaydance, and Paiton!!!!!!! I am so happy for you.
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