Rollercoaster

What a day this has been! To describe this day as a roller coaster of emotions is the best description I can think of.  Here is my greatest attempt at putting today into words.  Before I begin I want to remind myself and my readers why I am putting this out there.  This blog serves so many purposes.  One of these is a reminder of where we have been, what we've been through, what God has allowed us to experience, and how it will all work out to form a wonderfully beautiful plan that only the master of creation could paint.  To say that this time in my life is always pleasant and enjoyable would be a lie.  I want this blog to always be a reminder that even at my lowest God never forgot or ignored the cries of my heart.

Now, with that reminder in place lets get started!

Allen has a sister.  Her name is Amy.  She is married to Tom.  Amy and Tom have one daughter, her name is Kaydance.  Today at 1:59pm Amy, Tom, and Kaydance welcomed a beautiful little girl into the world.  Miss Paiton Leeann Taylor.  Let me tell you right now she is an absolute doll baby!  The first time I saw her in person I knew she had to be a porcelain doll!   I have never seen a baby with such angelic features.  Absolutely flawless!  While I'm gushing about the beauty of this sweet little girl let me also elaborate on Amy...

I was preparing myself for Amy to be beside herself in pain and exhaustion.  I mean seriously after what had occurred just a few hours earlier I thought this was a fair assumption.  Again, I was totally wrong!  Amy was perky and happy sitting straight up in her hospital bed.  Joking and texting, explaining the details of the day and beaming with pride.  It looked like she had just been chillin all day...which was FAR from the truth.  The award goes to Amy for looking like a beauty queen after childbirth.  Either Amy is a super star or I have had a very unrealistic view of how women look after bringing a child into the world. 

Okay now that I have told you about the high points of the day I will share with you some of the low points of the day. 

My ovaries hate me.  They are currently causing all sorts of problems.  The biggest of those problems is infertility.  Three solid years of trying to have a child.  Three solid years of peeing on pregnancy tests that always say "negative".  Three years is nothing in comparison to the years other women have struggled with this same issue.  Three years seems like a lifetime.  The thought of one more moment is unthinkable, so I have no clue how other women have done it.  There are several ladies in my life who have struggled with this issue far longer then I have and I respect them and admire them more than words could ever convey. 

I try and steer clear of pregnant women and babies.  It is a constant reminder of the pain infertilty can bring.  But this situation isn't something I can avoid.  This is my family.  I must be a part of this.  I can't run and hide, this must be faced.  I must overcome the heartbreak of infertility so I can be the person Amy needs me to be. 

Today was difficult on so many levels.  I felt so guilty and selfish for not being ecstatic about the events of today.  I felt like I should be this over the moon auntie who should gush over her new niece.  I am ashamed that when I think about Paiton my heart rips into.  Ashamed that the thought of today causes the air to be sucked out of my lungs.  Ashamed that instead of smiling and laughing I am crying and trying desperately to fight back the overwhelming desire to fall into a million pieces. 

I am happy for Amy, I know this baby will be taken care of.  She will be loved and adored.  Paiton has a mommy and daddy and older sister who will worship her.  She has tons of extended family who will dote and show her more love then imaginable.  I do NOT want this blog to misrepresent my feelings about this amazing family. 

Maybe that is why today has been so hard.  It would be different if I thought this baby needed me to rescue her.  I could understand why I would feel this way if I didn't like Amy.  But nothing could be farther from the truth.  We have a wonderful friendship and I cherish her presence in my life. 

If the tables were turned I know Amy would be by my side bossing around doctors and nurses telling them how to take care of me.  She would be offering her help in any and all areas of my life.  So the fact that I couldn't stay in the hospital room for more then 20 minutes without excusing myself to fall apart in the hallway seems rude and selfish. 

Today will always be a reminder of several things...

How truly amazing the miracle of childbirth is.  I will never understand how you can deny that there is a God after seeing a new baby.  Every detail is in perfect place. 

I will always be amazed at how two completely different people can come together and create a life.  How this happens is a mystery to me.  A wonderful God consumed mystery. 

How God places certain people in your life at the perfect times.  Susan (Allen's Aunt) happened to be at the hospital at the same time I arrived.  Susan struggled with years of infertility and knew exactly how I would be feeling.  I am so grateful for her presence in my life.  I needed her shoulder today.  I needed someone who understood what I was feeling.  She is the proud mamma of twin boys. She is a constant reminder that this is a season, and this won't last forever. 

I'm glad that this day is coming to an end.  I need a good nights rest so I can wake up feeling renewed and refreshed.  I may not enjoy this season in my life, but I have no doubt that God is with me and is guiding us into a new season.  I am ready for that season.  Until it arrives I will devote myself to being the best mommy I can be to an amazing little boy.  I will try everyday to be a person that God can trust to raise His children.  I don't want to miss out on the blessings of raising an amazing 6 year old because I'm busy weeping over the state of my uterus.  I want to be the best aunt I can be to my two nieces.  In all things I must remember that joy comes in the morning.