I have gone back and forth on if I should post this or not, and I have finally decided that I should. This blog serves many purposes. It helps me keep in touch with people that I ordinarily wouldn't be able to keep in touch with, I hope to help and encourage, and invoke laughter and thought in my readers, and its a record of our lives. So much happens that I never want to forget and now I will always have this to look back on.
A forewarning now: this blog has the potential to be extremely long.
The reason I feel compelled to write this blog is because I am clinging to God's promises in an area of our life. It is the desire of my heart to have a baby. When I say "have a baby" I don't necessarily mean ME giving birth to a child, although I think that would be amazing! If it is through adoption or biological I am happy either way. Allen and I have been trying for almost 3 years, and still no baby. We have been foster parents for 2 years and no permanent baby has came yet. (I know that their are women that have tried for much longer than we have and I feel guilty even putting this out there.)
Infertility can really wreak havoc on a marriage, a person, your emotions, your entire family, your friendships. I had no idea the affects it can cause. I am so blessed I feel Allen and I communicate on this topic and try to be aware of each others feelings. I have to remember that infertility is just as hard on him as it is on me, as a woman I often feel like its my fault, my problem, my issue, when in fact it is our mountain to climb not my mountain alone. Due to the crazy hormone levels my body goes through to say I am an emotional wreck doesn't come close to describing me 95% of the time.
I counted the number of women around me who are pregnant right now and the grand total was 17! Then if that wasn't a big enough kick in the stomach I proceeded to count the number of women I knew who had just had a baby in the last 6 months and that total came to 19! To say I am not overcome with jealousy would be a lie, and this blog isn't about sugar coating how wonderful a journey this can be. The truth is sometimes it just stinks. It is my constant prayer for God to help me overcome the feelings of jealousy. Several things typically happen when I am face to face with a pregnant person or a baby. Sometimes I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction because facing it often feels like the worlds largest knife plunging itself into my heart. Sometimes I try and speak to the person and congratulate them and all I can do is cry. On good days I can carry on a conversation and try and be somewhat respectable. I don't know why I have the urge to put all this out there because it is quite embarrassing, but there is someone out there who needs to read this of that I am sure. If I can help one person get through one struggle then all of this is more than worth it.
So this is the mountain we are climbing. Please don't take this as nothing but a negative and bitter blog because it so not that at all. This is my opportunity to share the struggles we all face in some way or another. I serve a miracle working God, and I have not lost faith that He has a plan far greater then anything I can imagine. He has his own time table. God hasn't forgotten about us, and when I pray He isn't surprised to find out we don't have a baby yet. If we are being completely honest even if God does not have it in His plan to answer our plea, then HE IS STILL GOD, and everything will work itself out. We would appreciate your prayers as we go through this stage in our life, and we want a baby in Gods timing as hard as that is for me to say sometimes (I want a baby NOW), it is still our constant prayer.
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