A little while back I wrote about the news we had received on our sweet baby girl. We were moving like a speeding bullet to getting her back with her bio family.
I handled the news horribly. I have fallen so deeply in love with her that 1 day without her seems unbearable. She is such a joy and brings so much light and happiness into what can seem like a dark world. I enjoy every moment with her and my heart was breaking into a million pieces as we barreled towards re-unification.
I can now report that the caseworkers have determined that we should not proceed at the moment with re-unification. I have a suspicion as to why but really have no answers to the millions of questions in my mind. I don't know what this means, how it affects us, how long she'll be with us, is it permanent? Is is just prolonged? I have no idea and no answers. I'm sure I'll get them in time, but as of right now I'm clueless.
What is God trying to do to me? I mean COME ON!!!!!! Can I keep her? Cause if I can 't I need her to go. My heart can't handle it. I can not handle it. I can't look into her beautiful deep brown eyes every day and know that my desire to keep her forever doesn't matter when it comes to my standing next to a birth parents. It's to hard, it hurts to much, I can't breath under the weight of loving someone so much and living with the fact I can't keep them. I. Just. Can't.
Then, a whisper in my spirit...
"She isn't yours. She never will be yours. She is mine. Her future is in my hands, it isn't and never has been in yours. None of your children are yours. They are all mine."
It was my Jesus. He was telling me what I didn't appreciate hearing, but oh I really needed it instilled into my soul.
I get so caught up in my own selfishness I lose sight of the bigger picture. Every single time. Will I ever learn? Even if I had birthed this amazing soul into the world she still wouldn't belong to me. We have adopted Ethan, yet he will never belong to me. That fact remains regardless of what title children come with. Foster, adopted, biological, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc. They don't belong to us.
They have been entrusted to us by our creator. We don't dictate their future because we don't hold the future. I am learning that the things I cling to the hardest are the things God needs me to release back to Him. The more I need to let go, the harder I hold on. I'm still learning...and it's hard.
I needed an attitude adjustment. I can honestly say that I am so grateful for every moment with my princess. Regardless of what tomorrow holds I have right now, and right now is what has to matter. Will she be with us forever? Only God knows the answer to that. Whatever that answer may be He will walk me through it. My future is in His hands too. As I cling to her tightly my heart is at peace with the fact that God will guide and protect her along her journey. Where ever it may lead. He will never leave my side as I work through all my emotions and feelings during this journey...they don't offend Him.
I have been given (almost!) an entire year of memories with this beautiful baby and no one can take those away. I can cling to those. I can cling to now. They aren't mine. They are God's. He made them, the loves them, and He wants me to love them right now. Not tomorrow. Tomorrow will work itself out. He's given me today. Today is a lot to be thankful for.
"To invest your seeds of trust in God in mountains you can't move
You have risked your life on things you cannot prove
But to give the things you cannot keep for what you cannot lose
Now, that's the way to find the joy God has for you"
(lyrics to Joy comes in the morning)
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