Ethan fought through the tidal waves of tears to ask me this question tonight.
I thought we went the extra mile to show him that we are his forever home.
I thought we explained why our last placements had to go back to their biological mother.
I thought he was handling everything ok.
I thought, I thought, I thought.
I thought wrong.
When by standers, family, and friends ask us the hard questions about fostering I delight in giving them an answer. I did not delight in answering Ethan's question tonight. It broke my heart because it WAS his question.
We've never entertained the notion of "quitting" fostering when people (even family) told us we should. Nobody has had bad motives behind this advice. They see the heartbreak that this life brings and that scares them. It still isn't a reason for us to stop.
But when my baby asks me if I'm going to give him away? Yea. The thought of quitting quickly came to light.
What are we doing to him?
We chose this...but did he?
Are we scarring him for life?
What are we doing?
Doubts.
I entertain them to often to count.
Then I remembered a sermon I heard when I was a teenager. The speaker was a father who often wondered if all the late nights at revivals, trips away from home for speaking engagements, and the lifestyle that came with being a "preachers kid" was harming his children. After quite a bit of prayer and seeking God's will for his life he felt confidant that quitting his calling would be far worse of an example to set.
How often I have wondered if we are doing the right thing for him. I have lost night after night of sleep hoping and praying that he will understand what we're doing, and why we're doing it. I have questioned our motives ten thousand times more than any critic could. He has a counselor he sees once a week to assist him in understanding this crazy mixed up world he calls home. Still, I doubt if this is the right thing to do.
What I didn't know until tonight is this...
I have an answer to his questioning heart and mind. Allen and I did our best to explain to him the circumstances that we will face. We reassured him that no matter what we are his mommy and daddy and nothing will ever change that. We faced a harsh reality that we have more work to do with him and how he understands our life. We have work to do in this area and we are doing it.
We will not stop because of his question. We are not ignoring his needs or feelings by continuing to foster. We are not putting him on a back burner to help others. He is our son and he will always come first and nothing will change that. We wouldn't have a son if it weren't for the foster care system. The thing we would be quitting is the same thing that brought us our son. I also stand firm on the promise that we will adopt again. I don't know who, or when but I know we will. His question brought me back down to the reality of this calling. We answered his hard question. As heartbreaking as it was to hear his fears I know that we are still doing the right thing.
This is why...
The only question that would be more heartbreaking to hear out of my babies mouth is this...
"Why didn't you keep doing it?"
My only HONEST answer would be...
Because we were scared.
Closing our door on children who need our home is not the example I am willing to set for him. This life isn't for everyone and I do not cast judgement on those who do not choose this lifestyle. But if the people God has called to take care of HIS children stop because they are afraid of answering the hard questions children will die. They will remain in dangerous situations because there is no where else for them to go. What am I teaching Ethan if I quit because I was afraid.
I have talked to other moms and we all share a common thread. We are constantly worried that the life we are maintaining will harm our children. Moms who work outside the home, moms who home school, moms who don't home school, single mothers, all of us. We have a list of pro's and con's scrolling through our brains 24/7 all the while hoping and praying that the pro's will outweigh the con's. I don't want to play that game anymore.
I don't care if the cons outweigh the pros. As long as "Because God said so" is under the pros column the cons won't take us under. If I have faith that God picks the children who come and the children who leave than what am I so worried about? If step by step God is equipping me as a mother to handle this life then I also need to believe He will equip Ethan as well. There is work to be done and I don't want to have to explain to my son why I didn't do it.
We will do the work we have been called to do. Even if it means answering the hard questions.
1 chronicles 28:20
David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.

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