Just so you know I'm not so good at waiting.
Anticipation isn't a good look for me.
When left to my own devices I get myself in trouble. At doctors appointments I fiddle with the equipment, I blow up the latex gloves and stick Popsicle sticks in my ears and up my nose holes. I play with the "ear checkers" and check my own blood pressure. Usually the nurse or Doctor walks in to find me going through drawers and cabinets in hopes of finding something to fiddle with.
When I'm waiting in the pick up line at Ethan's school I clean out the glove box, put on make up, pluck my eyebrows, bang my head on the steering wheel, sing to the top of my lungs, find somebody to call, bang my head on the steering wheel, scream at the car in front of me to "move already!!!!", scream at the people running the pick up line to "hurry up already!!!!!", write out my grocery list, and paint my nails.
Not. Good. At. Waiting.
We're in a stage of waiting right now. Waiting to meet new faces. Waiting to see who God is going to bring into our home. Waiting.
This period of waiting has been a little different than previous "waiting games".
When you play the "waiting game" an an infertile couple trying to get pregnant every single stage is filled to the brim with waiting. You wait to have a period. You wait to ovulate. You wait until it's time to take a pregnancy test. You wait for an appointment with a top notch specialist. You wait to get results from the 900 tests and procedures. It's a horrible game of stop and go. Somewhere along the way you lose your marbles. They fly right out the window. Call it hormones, call it insanity, call it whatever you'd like. I did not handle the waiting very well at all. I cried, I complained, I got mad, I had temper tantrums, I was horrible. Life test: FAILED.
That is just one example of different periods in my life where I have wasted valuable time that "waiting" gave me. Trust me it has happened more times than I can count.
I believe everything in life is part of a purpose and a plan far greater than I can see.....even the waiting.
This season of anticipation has been busy for me. Of course there was housekeeping matters to attend to. Who am I kidding...there are ALWAYS housekeeping matters that need attending.
On a deeper level there has been emotional "stuff" that needed addressing.
I love being a mother, I believe whole heartidly that I was created to be a mother. I also get lost in motherhood. I allow it to be the only thing that defines me. Before I know it I completely lose myself under the title of motherhood. I forget to be a wife.
Allen and I are working on our marriage. We love being parents, we work really well as parents. We also realize that we are useless to Ethan and our future babies if we don't have a great marriage. We've had extra time together recently and I really feel that we have been given this time of "waiting" to work on us. Marriage is hard work! My marriage is worth it. Allen is worth it. We've gotten to go on dates, and work on projects, and have deep conversations that we needed to have. As hard as it's been to un cover our "issues" and work on fixing them, I know that it's needed. I take my vows very seriously and I can't be afraid of the work it takes to create a strong and solid marriage. I thank God for sending me an amazing husband, I am so blessed to share my life with the person God created for me. I am happy to spend this time of waiting working on having a great marriage. I don't want OK...I don't want good....I'm not settling. I want a great marriage and I'm going to do the work.
There is a lot of weight on our shoulders. We are parents to an amazing little boy, and we yearn to be parents to other children as well. We have to have a strong foundation if we want to be successful. Instead of complaining and wasting this precious time in our lives I want to use it wisely. Our foundation needs some time and attention so lets do this thing!
As foster parents we know that children will come and children will go. My marriage is here to stay.
No comments:
Post a Comment