Raising a child with oppositional defiant disorder

Taken 6/19/09.  Our very first picture of Ethan

    When going over all the adoption paperwork I came across some information that I had never seen before.  Foster parents are dealt with on a "need to know" type of basis.   When Ethan was placed with us over a year ago we knew very little about the circumstances that brought him into custody.  We knew he was exhibiting many behaviors that were not age appropriate, and that resources had been put in place to help him but the behaviors continued to escalate.  That is the only information we were given.  We didn't know what those behaviors were, what services were in place, and what was going to happen to reunite  Ethan back with his biological family.  Side note:  DCS goal is almost always to reunite the child back with family.  Shortly after Ethan's arrival we discovered first hand what his behaviors were.  He was the angriest child I have ever seen, rage was the only thing I saw in his eyes.  About 2 hours into the first night I locked myself in the bathroom crying because I felt like I wasn't equipped to handle a child with the severe behaviors he was exhibiting.  That first night is one I will never forget.  Ethan was scared, terrified, and very sad.  He didn't have the skills to display that behavior in a healthy way, or even a way that a typical 4 year old could.  We knew Ethan came with a diagnoses of ADHD.  At that time that is the only diagnoses we knew  of.

 So now lets fast forward to about 2 weeks ago when I was looking through the adoption packet.  In black and white there was an additional diagnoses of Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  My mouth dropped as I immediately started looking up the symptoms of this diagnosis.  It was the biggest light bulb moment I have ever had.  Ethan's behaviors started making sense now.  The reasons behind why he does what he does, and how he responds to situations were right on with ODD. 

I think Ethan is an amazing little boy and I enjoy being around him, I love being his mother, and I see so much potential in him.  This new diagnoses doesn't change my feelings towards him.  I don't love him less, want him less, or feel like we've made a mistake since the discovery of this diagnoses.  If anything I understand him so much more now, and try and be as patient as possible when dealing with his behaviors. 

Here are some signs of ODD  

Actively does not follow adults' requests

Angry and resentful of others

Argues with adults

Blames others for own mistakes

Has few or no friends or has lost friends

Is in constant trouble in school

Loses temper

Spiteful or seeks revenge

Touchy or easily annoyed

Several of these behaviors Ethan does not exhibit (Thank you God!).  Ethan struggles with people in authority.  The first month with Ethan we spent proving to him that Allen and I were the adults and he was the child.   Ethan had zero respect for anyone, let alone strangers who were now making him listen and act like a civilized little boy.  We had to prove to Ethan we had his best interests at heart.  Ethan didn't care that we were adults and he was a child.  To him we were the enemy.  Until researching this disorder I never understood why Ethan reacted to us the way he did.  But now it makes perfect sense.  The only adults in his life up to that point had hurt him, damaged him, abused him, neglected him.  Why would he view us any differently? 

This school year has been challenging to say the least.  When he is home he is a well behaved wonderful little boy.  But when speaking with his teachers it was evident that his behaviors were spinning out of control while in the classroom.  I would get so frustrated when talking to Ethan about his behaviors at school because he totally understood the choices he was making were bad ones, but still they continued.  Now that I have a better idea of ODD I now understand that I was asking Ethan to exhibit traits he does not have.  You can't get mad at me because you need surgery and I don't have the skills to operate on you.  I have to remember that with Ethan.  Therapy and time seem to be the best remedies for ODD.  Our parenting can either make him or break him.  Allen and I are dedicated to doing whatever it takes to help Ethan become the adult we know he can be.  We want to encourage him to discover himself, to accept his strengths and work on his weaknesses.  It isn't my job to make decisions for him, or to make him succeed.  I have been called to love him regardless of the decisions he makes.  He has his own dreams and aspirations and doesn't need to conform to my dreams for him.  I don't even almost have this parenting thing figured out, on a typical day I ask myself 1000 times "what do I do next???"  What I know won't work with Ethan is not being willing to change parenting tactics.  He is an individual with his own skill set, therefore he needs a parenting plan that is customized for him.  With the discovery of this diagnoses it gives us direction as to what might work and what won't work.  Ethan is an amazing little man and I look forward to discovering and developing him into the man HE wants to become.