A frequently asked question.

Since Ethan's adoption one particular question seems to be on every one's mind, and I absolutely do not mind being asked it or answering it. 

Does it feel different?

People who know me have asked this, family members have asked, and also people who just know of us have asked.  Even before the adoption I myself wondered if I would feel differently or if something in me would feel differently after the adoption.  I was convinced life would continue on as normal with no changes.  Ethan's been my soon since June 19th, 2009 what's a piece of paper going to prove? 

My responsibilities have not changed, my dedication has not changed.  I have the same responsibilities as a foster mother that I have as a legal mother.  I am commissioned not only as a mother but as a Christian to raise healthy, loving, contributing, Christian adults.  I don't have to wake up any earlier, no change in my schedule. 

There is a difference in my spirit.  This is something that took me completely off guard.  The adoption papers have turned into a security blanket.  I was trying to fall asleep the other night and I think I might have figured out why I experienced such a shift in my heart.  I loved (and love) Gabby with all my heart.  From the moment I met her I stepped in as her mother.  I made mother decisions, made mother sacrifices, felt mother joys, and felt mother lows.  But I was constantly looking over my shoulder and trying to read into the future.  Same with Anna.  I was there for the night time feeding, there for all the things a mother should be there for and as much as I felt like I was her mother the future was still uncertain.  I felt that I was Gabby and Anna's mother and for a time I was, that time is over now and that is extremely difficult.  I still do not know what tomorrow hold and it isn't for me to know.  There is comfort in knowing that DCS can't take Ethan and place him back in an environment that is not healthy.  So yes there is a difference, it does feel different.  There is security now that I didn't have before, permanence now that I didn't have before, and a peace of mind that I've NEVER had before.  Yes, there is a difference.